Through The Water Mirror
by Wingstar23
Summary: (AU Chichiri fic)Houjun has been in a mental institution for two years,ever since he killed his best friend and everyone has given up on him. Everyone except one nurse who knows what it's like to be a prisoner in your own mind...Rated 'R' for theme.
1. Darkness

A/n: Well, since my other stories are mostly finished, I decided to start this one to keep me busy after they're done. It's probably not going to be very good, seeing as this is my first time writing something like this, but oh well. Anyway, this is AU (alternate universe for you first time fic readers) and it's pretty dark, seeing as it's set in a mental institution. Oh, and if you're interested, this was inspired by the song 'Unwell' by Matchbox20. There will be angst, you have been warned, so here we go….

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_Through The Water Mirror And Into Eternity…_

_'I sit here all alone in the darkness, wishing things were different… I used to be happy. I used to have friends and family and a job I adored. Now I have only darkness and this notebook keeping me alive. I have memories too, but those are haunting and cause me pain. I've pushed them so far down into my subconscious that I can barely remember my own name. I don't care though, because with that name comes everything that hurts… _

_My past, my present, and the bleak prospect of my future. Future. I used to have one of those. It was intriguing and full of hope, shining before me like a star in the velvety night sky…until I threw it all away that is. In a single moment I killed not only someone I loved more than life itself, but everything I was as well. _

_As I sit here writing this, I feel the familiar agony of those distant memories throbbing dully in my heart. The pain will never fade. For as long as I draw breath, for as long as I still have my sanity, I will have those memories. It wasn't always this way…when I was young and innocent; I hadn't a care in the world. There _was_ no pain to drive me to insanity, I could look at my own hands without having to look away in disgust…I wasn't alone. Now I sit here everyday alone and silent with nothing but a notebook for company.'_

As Houjun wrote this last sentence, his eyes filled with tears, he felt his heart contract painfully in his ribcage. Alone. That's what he was, alone and forgotten. Nobody cared anymore…He hadn't had a visitor in two years but he supposed that it was his own fault, after all what was the use in talking to someone who wouldn't talk back? In the beginning, when he had first been brought to the hospital suffering from severe shock and multiple self-inflicted injuries, everyone had come to see him. His mother, his father…even Kouran had come. They were always sympathetic, saying it wasn't his fault Hikou had died, that it wasn't Houjun who had killed Hikou but he knew better. 

Houjun knew he had done it. Every night he replayed the horrifying scene in his mind, and it was always the same… He had advanced on Hikou, blind with rage and a gleaming knife in his hand, murder shining in his mahogany eyes after learning that his supposed best friend had tried to take his fiancée away from him. Hikou backed away, hands held up in front of him in a gesture of peace, trying to calm Houjun out of his homicidal fury. Hikou's desperate pleas and apologies fell on deaf ears as Houjun came nearer and nearer, the knife now poised to strike. In his memories, Houjun continued backing his best friend into the far wall of his sixteenth-story apartment, the wall with a window in it. He had proceeded to grab his friend by the collar, knife now rapidly speeding towards the other man's chest and stopped short. The realization of what he had been about to do hit him hard and Houjun had fallen to his knees before his friend, the knife clattering harmlessly to the floor, sobbing and begging for forgiveness. Hikou had been so shocked by the rapid change of events that he leaned back against the wall in relief. To Houjun's horror, Hikou had leaned on the window and the fragile glass shattered beneath the young man's weight. He fell backwards, out into space and Houjun could only watch in horror as his best friend fell to his death with a sickening, bone-chilling crash. 

As the scene replayed itself in his mind, Houjun found himself backing away from the images, scrambling backwards on his bed until he hit his head against the wall. He kept going, crushing himself into the corner where his bed met the wall, and getting as small as possible. He pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as he rocked slowly back and forth, sobbing like a lost child.

The door to his room opened then and Houjun looked up sharply. A small nurse with light brown hair and green eyes stood in the doorframe. She had the usual stark white uniform, of which consisted of a pair of white pants and a white blouse, covered from the waist down to just above her knees with an apron. She wore an expression of mingled sympathy and shock on her young face, as she stood frozen in the doorway. Houjun stared back into her green eyes, tears streaming from his eyes and starting to tremble.

"A-are you okay?" the nurse asked shakily, taking a hesitant step towards Houjun.

The young man made no move to respond, he only tried to push himself farther away from the woman.

"It's alright, I won't hurt you," the nurse said soothingly, starting to get over her initial shock at seeing Houjun in his near-hysterical state and remembering her job as a nurse. She took another step forward and Houjun let out a sob of dismay, burying his face in his knees once more. The tiny nurse kept inching forwards, going slowly so as to not send her patient into a full fledged panic attack and telling him it was alright and that she was going to help him, every time she drew a step nearer.

Meanwhile, Houjun was desperately trying to find someway to push his body into the wall and disappear completely, so when he felt the nurse sit down in front of him and her soft hand on his arm he reacted instinctively and lashed out with his right fist. Luckily the nurse had the presence of mind to duck and the young man missed her face by inches, but when Houjun realized who he had almost hit he lost it. His face contorted into a grimace of surprise and guilt as his hands flew up to dig his fingernails into his cheeks, tearing at the delicate skin in agony. 

The nurse was frozen in shock for a second, having never experienced a patient reacting so violently before, then she quickly reached out and grabbed Houjun's wrists, pulling his hands away from his face. "Don't do that," she said softly "You'll hurt yourself."

Houjun looked up at her, his mahogany eyes wild and full of panic, his face soaked with tears and the nurse squeezed his wrists gently. "I don't want you to hurt yourself, okay?" she repeated, looking Houjun directly in the eyes "I'd hate to see such a beautiful face all scratched up and full of blood. So no more of that, understood?"

The young man the nurse had a hold of blinked back at her, his breathing starting to get fast and shallow as he fought to free himself. The young woman just tightened her hold and kept looking Houjun directly in the face. She could see the fear and guilt in the other's eyes, and not far underneath she could see the pain that must have driven him to this sorry state. "It's going to be okay," she said, her tones quiet and calming "I'm not leaving until you tell me you're okay. Don't worry, I'll help you." She lowered the young man's hands to his lap and transferred his left wrist to her right hand; still keeping a firm hold on his hands she put her free arm around him in a sympathetic hug. 

Houjun was visibly trembling now, still struggling to get the nurse's hand off of his wrists, but his breathing started to slow a little as the nurse kept whispering words of comfort and reassurance. Finally, the barrier he had built around himself broke and he wrenched his wrists out of the young woman's hands. He flung himself at the nurse and she nearly fell over as the young man's weight fell heavily onto her slight form. Houjun wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her blouse, sobbing brokenly.

"Shh, baby, it's okay. You're okay, I've got you…" the nurse whispered, stroking the young man's chestnut hair softly as she tried to keep from crying along with him. How could someone so young be full of so much pain? The nurse wondered as she held the shaking man close and told him over and over that it was going to be alright, that she would help him fix whatever was hurting him so badly. 

A/N: Well, there it is guys. Tell me what you liked, didn't like or even what you thought was mediocre! Hope it was at least decent and see you next chapter.

Musical selection: Kanojo, an instrumental by Glay

~Tenshi Kitsune~


	2. Healing Flower

A/N: well there's ch 2 for whoever wants to read it. Fushigi Yuugi= not mine Storyline is. To the chappy…

The young nurse sat there for a long time, holding the sobbing Houjun in her arms and letting him cry out the grief and guilt he had kept locked away for so long. 

"It's alright, just cry it out sweetie. That's right…" she whispered, rubbing his back soothingly as he cried into her shoulder.

Houjun clung to the young nurse, finally finding the comforting arms he had been waiting to find for the past two years. The nurse could feel the other's tears soaking through the cotton of her shirt and she pulled him as close as she could, her eyes stinging with tears of sympathy. The intensity of the young man's emotion was powerful that the young nurse could almost feel Houjun's pain, almost saw why he had been driven to live in a mental hospital. She put a hand to the back of his head and gently stroked his hair, telling him over and over that it was going to be okay as Houjun clenched her sleeve in his fist as if the small piece of material was the only thing keeping him from going completely over the edge.

Houjun felt as if his very soul were being ripped in half by the never-ending storm of his own sadness. His heart hurt so badly that he just wanted to die and he dug his nails into the soft material of the nurse's shirtsleeve in an effort to block out the pain. The young woman held him as Houjun cried harder and harder, his eyes screwed shut against the pain raging inside him. The young man tightened his arms around the nurse as the chaos within him reached such a pitch that he thought he would black out. The nurse gasped as the other's arms squeezed her with such intensity that she thought he'd broken her ribs. She felt tears slip from her eyes as she tried to calm the young man in her arms. He was trembling like a terrified child, his desperate sobs making his breath come in short gasps as his arms continued to tighten around the nurse's small form. The young nurse let him squeeze her, thinking that she didn't care if she got all her ribs shattered if it meant the broken, sobbing young man in her arms could feel at least a second of peace, until finally his arms constricted so tightly around her chest that she could hardly breath.

"L-let go," she choked as she felt her lungs desperately calling for air "I-I can't breath, loosen your grip…"

Houjun quickly let go of the nurse, momentarily forgetting his tears and sitting back on his knees, a look of horror written on his tear-streaked face. The shock of nearly having suffocated the nurse had brought him back to the present and he looked at the young woman. She was passing a hand over her eyes, one arm over her ribs as she steadied her breathing. Houjun reached out a shaking hand to place it on the nurse's cheek, gently stroking her chin with his thumb.

She looked up into his worried face and smiled a little. "It's okay, you didn't hurt me," the nurse told him, taking the young man's hand in hers and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "You just surprised me, that's all. I never expected that such a gentle-looking young man could have such strong emotions inside of him." 

Houjun hung his head, his tears of pain turning to ones of shame. He tried to pull his hand back from the nurse but the young woman held on to him.

"Don't be ashamed," she said gently "Whatever feelings you hold, they're in you for a reason and they hurt because of that reason. It means you're human if you can feel emotions, and being human isn't anything to be embarrassed of." 

The young man shook his head, a tiny half smile playing about his lips and reached out with his other hand to touch the nurse's cheek, his tears slowing until they were all but gone.

"Does that mean thank you?" the nurse asked quizzically.  

Houjun dropped his gaze to the sheets and nodded, his ashen face tinged with a bit of pink.

"Anytime." she told him, a soft smile on her face. She turned serious for a second and added, "I mean it. If you ever need someone to talk with or someone's shoulder to cry on, I'll always be here for you. All you have to do is call, okay?"

Houjun nodded solemnly. Then a thought struck him and he bowed his head, fresh tears starting to tumble down his cheeks.

The nurse reached out a hand in concern. "What's wrong? Did I upset you?" 

Houjun shook his head, the tears coming faster now.

The young woman brought her head down to eye level with him and gently brushed a lock of chestnut hair out of his eyes. "Please tell me why you're crying, I want to help you. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

Houjun shook his head miserably and looked up at the nurse. His mahogany eyes were filled with regret and his face shone with a powerful need to let her know something.

"I don't understand, what are you trying to say?" she asked in confusion. When Houjun continued to stare at her blankly, his eyes filled with sorrow, the nurse finally understood. "You can't talk, can you?" she asked quietly.

Houjun nodded then shook his head, willing the nurse to understand.   

"You can, but you won't?" the young woman inquired.

Houjun nodded again, his chin starting to tremble as he fought to repress his sobs.

A brief silence followed then the nurse reached out and put her hand to Houjun's tear-soaked cheek in sympathy.  "You want to, don't you?" the nurse asked carefully, not wanting to push the young man back into his previous state of near-hysteria "You want to tell me what's wrong, but you're…" she paused looking for the right words "you're afraid? Or you aren't ready?"

Houjun signaled that she had guessed right on both counts and looked down at the sheets again.

"It's alright, you don't have to talk if you aren't ready," the nurse told him, her voice starting to hold a faraway note to it. She brushed a tear off his face with her thumb and added softly, "It's okay to be afraid, I won't think any less of you. There's probably not one other person in this hospital that can say this and mean it but I know what you're going through."

Houjun looked up sharply, not daring to believe that she was telling the truth.

"I'm not just saying that either," she said seriously, reading the doubt in Houjun's eyes "I used to be in a situation like yours. I was in a hospital once, just like this one and for years I was living in hell until one day someone came along and pulled me out." The nurse lowered her gaze, slowly dropping her hand from Houjun's cheek and drawing it to her chest. " I had been there too many times and I never wanted to see another person suffer like that, so-so I became a nurse…" The young woman passed a hand over her eyes, trying to hide the telltale shine of tears.

Houjun was watching her intently and so did not miss the single, sparkling drop of water that fell from her hand and onto her knees. His brow creased in worried empathy and he bit his lower lip, trying to think of some way to tell the nurse it would be okay without words. Suddenly his mind presented him with the memory of the nurse's soothing arms around him, offering silent comfort and understanding. The young man reached out and pulled the other close to him in a gentle hug, being careful not to squeeze her too hard this time.  

The young woman's eyes widened as she felt Houjun's arms wrap around her with such tender compassion that she almost felt as if an angel were holding her. She looked up into his eyes and put her head down on his chest. "Thanks." she said quietly, returning the young man's caring embrace. Houjun smiled at her and squeezed her shoulders reassuringly, laying his head softly on top of hers.

A few seconds of comfortable silence passed by and the nurse looked up at Houjun, "It's kind of funny," she said quietly " I came in here to comfort you and _I_ ended up in _your_ arms. Makes me wonder if I shouldn't just check myself back in here…" 

She was joking, of course, but Houjun didn't realize this and his head snapped up in alarm. He took hold of the nurse's shoulders, holding her so that she was face to face with him and shook his head fervently, his eyes shining with fierce conviction. The young woman laughed and gave him a kiss on the forehead. 

"I was only teasing," she explained. "I'd never check myself back into an institution. After all, if I did that who'd help you get out of here?"  

The young man blushed and looked down at the bed-sheets again. He toyed with the soft white fabric for awhile then, after a minute's hesitation, he reached his hand out and touched the nurse's cheek again, his eyes questioning.

The nurse looked into the young man's soulful brown eyes, trying to see what he was trying to say. "I don't understand." she said after a minute "Can you maybe show me what you mean?" 

Houjun lowered his hand, his brow furrowing in thought as he frowned at the sheets. His eyes lit up momentarily and he reached behind him for the notebook he had been writing in earlier. He held it up for the nurse to see and pointed to where he had printed his name across the front.

"Houjun Ri." the other read "That's your name?"

Houjun nodded and brushed his hand over the young woman's cheek with a tiny half-smile. 

"Now I understand!" the nurse breathed in sudden realization, "You want to know my name, right?"

Houjun nodded again and he looked expectantly at the nurse.

"It's Hanami Sakura." she told him, giving him another encouraging smile. "You can call me Hana."

The young man looked at her and nodded in acknowledgement. A smile suddenly lit up his face and he flipped open his notebook to the last page. He pulled the pencil he'd been using earlier out of the spiral on the side of the book and started scribbling furiously. Hana looked over the top of the notebook and saw that the young man was writing in what looked like Japanese. She watched in fascination as his hand danced across the page, leaving behind strange symbols and words that she couldn't read. Finally, Houjun lifted his hand from the page and held the notebook out to the nurse. 

The young woman looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry, I can't read that. I don't know any Japanese." she told him.

Houjun nodded then took up his pencil again and slowly began writing the English translation under the Japanese, pausing every few seconds to think of the right words. After a few minutes, he tore out the paper and handed it to Hana. The young nurse took the piece of paper and read it slowly. _' Hana means 'flower' in Japanese. And Sakura is cherry blossom. So to me you are the cherry blossom's flower. My flower of hope.' _ The young woman looked up to find Houjun watching her in apprehension and she smiled at him.

"That's beautiful, Houjun." she breathed, folding up the paper and putting it safely into her apron pocket. "Thank you."

He smiled at her and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand as if to say 'we're friends now and I trust you to take care of me'.

Hana returned his smile, then frowned a little as she caught sight of the clock hanging on the wall opposite her. One o'clock. That meant she had to leave Houjun and finish her rounds or else she'd risk losing her job. She turned to the young man and took his hands in hers.  "I'm sorry, but I have to go now," she said softly "I have to finish my shift. I'll be back though, I promise." 

She made to get up but Houjun grabbed her hands and held on tight, his eyes pleading and fearful. "I know, sweetie, I know you don't want to be left alone again." she said, her voice full of compassion and regret "I don't want to leave you, but if I stay any longer I'll lose my job and I'll never see you again. Don't you want me to come back and see you?" 

Houjun nodded, his eyes still begging the young woman to stay with him and Hana gently brushed his chestnut hair out of his eyes. "I won't be gone long, only a few hours, then I'll come back to see you before I go home. How's that?"

Houjun nodded again and let go of the nurse's hand. Hana turned to leave and paused in the doorway. "Wait for me, okay? And remember, if you need me just call. You don't have to talk, just hit the intercom button and if I don't hear a voice, I'll know it's you, alright?"

The young man looked as if he were about to laugh and he gave a sign of agreement as Hana disappeared around the doorframe.  

A/N: well there's chapter two. It's a bit longer (I think) and I hope it's as good as the first chapter. Tell me what you think and as usual see you next chapter.

Musical selection: Dearest (bgm version), track 17 on the Inuyasha Ost for the second half and Mizu-Kagami instrumental version for the first half.

~Tenshi Kitsune~


	3. The Hand That Pulls You To Safety When I...

A/N: Well, ch3 comin' at cha' and I hope it lives up to the previous two. As usual Houjun is Yuu Watase's creation and this storyline's mine. Here we go…

Hana gently shut the door to Houjun's room and made to turn away. She paused, her hand still on the doorknob, and put her forehead against the rough wood. For a second, she just leaned against the door and listened for any sounds that might mean Houjun was in trouble again. The nurse could only make out muffled scraping sounds and the rustling of paper. Satisfied that the young man was going to be alright for a few hours, she whirled around and took a determined step forward. _Keep it together, Hana, _she thought as she forced her feet to go in the direction of the nurse's station._ He'll be okay, just finish your things as fast as you can and then you can see him again. _

She was so focused on putting one foot in front of the other, that the young nurse walked right into her supervisor, crashing into the older man and nearly knocking them both over.

"Hana! Watch where you're going, for chrissake!" he exclaimed in irritation. "I could have been a patient!"

"S-sorry, Doctor Johnston." the young woman stammered, "I was distracted."

"And what, pray tell, distracted you so much that you couldn't even watch where you were going?" Dr. Johnston demanded, glaring at Hana over his black wire-frame glasses.

"Well, you see sir, it's-it's this patient I was with…" the nurse said hesitantly. "Houjun Ri… He-"

"Did you say Houjun?" the supervisor cut in, his light gray eyes going wide behind his glasses. "The silent one in solitary, who's prone to anxiety attacks and has a tendency to lash out at anyone who gets within four feet of him?" 

Hana nodded. "I-I think that's him." She frowned for a second then gathered all her courage. "He didn't seem so bad to me," the nurse said, looking anywhere but at the doctor in front of her. "He was actually pretty gentle. He let me hug him and everything."

"How?" the older doctor asked incredulously, his previous ill humor starting to dissipate. "How did you get him to let you come near him? Every person we've ever assigned to his room either sent him into a fit of hysterics or else he tried to attack them. What did you do?"

"Well, I don't think it's anything special really," Hana replied with a small shrug. "All you have to do is let him know he's safe. You know just be gentle." 

"Interesting…" the doctor mused. "I've been in there myself, and I consider myself to be a very gentle and understanding psychologist, all I've ever gotten were negative reactions. Just yesterday, I went to Houjun to give him his weekly medication and he went completely over the edge! He seemed fine when I opened the door, didn't even flinch when I told him I was coming in, but the second I got close to him he got so hysterical that I had to call an aid to hold him down while I gave him the needle." Dr. Johnston gave Hana a pained look and added, "He tried to take a swing at me! Nearly got me too, but I moved just in time and then- well let's just say I've never seen _anybody_ get so upset so quickly in my entire twenty-five years as a doctor."

"I can tell you right now, Doctor Johnston, that with Houjun you need to be _extremely_ gentle and reassuring," the young nurse told him earnestly. Her face was a mixture of sadness and caring, her green eyes shining as all-too-fresh memories of Houjun's inner turmoil surfaced. The young man's arms clinging to her as he trembled in her arms, his tears soaking through her blouse as he sobbed out his pain… It all replayed itself in Hana's mind, making her voice soften and hold a note of remorse as she continued to explain Houjun's reactions to her supervisor. 

"He's really hurting inside and so he's become sort of like a child, easily frightened and very emotionally fragile. That's why he tried to hit you. You provoked the fight or flight response in him and he chose fight." 

"Well, that does explain why he tried to attack me, but I still don't understand why he reacted so strongly _after_ the fact," the older man said in confusion. "What I mean is, usually patients who strike out at us hit and then retreat into their own corner as if nothing happened, or else they become so violent that we are forced to sedate them. Houjun, however, goes into fits of complete insanity! He starts shaking and sobbing, even going so far as to start tearing at his own flesh. He was so distressed on one occasion that he ripped his wrist open and landed himself in intensive care for two days. Although I have seen patients react that way, it puzzles me because he doesn't seem to be psychopathic, and although I've seen signs of psychosis in him, he's otherwise quite normal. Except for the fact that he doesn't talk and has deep psychological wounds, that is." 

"It's like I said," Hana replied. "Houjun is a very gentle and caring young man. I think he cares so deeply for others that when he knows he's almost hurt someone, it drives him to act out the way he does. I think it may have something to do with whatever it is that brought him to this hospital to begin with."

Dr. Johnston nodded. "I suppose we'll find out once he decides to talk." The older man sighed heavily. "I just wish Houjun would let one of our doctors try to help him…"

Hana's eyes lit up at these words. "I'll help him!" she said at once. "I've already proven that I can handle Houjun's emotional outbursts and besides, I felt like I really connected with him before. I know it's against protocol for a nurse to offer psychological counseling to a patient, but I'm about to pass my doctrine and I just know I could help him!"

"I don't know, Hana," Dr. Johnston said doubtfully. "It goes against all our rules and if something were to happen to Houjun, we could be shut down…"

"I would take full responsibility," Hana said firmly, standing up a bit straighter. "I would never let him get hurt, but if something does happen, I'll tell the officials it was all my fault and that you didn't even know I was treating Houjun."

"Still…I can't go against the rules of this hospital," the older man said regretfully. "Although I _could_ possibly take Houjun on as my own patient and let you counsel him, but that would go completely against my better judgment."

"Couldn't you make an exception, just this once? Please… " she looked pleadingly at her supervisor. Every part of her was hoping-praying- that the doctor would change his mind, and let hers be the hand that pulled Houjun out of the darkness of his own mind. 

Ever since she'd first heard his sobs from the hospital hallway, she'd felt sympathy well up within her for the pain this young man was going through. Then when she'd pushed the door open and found Houjun slowly rocking back and forth, sobbing brokenly and trying to melt into the walls, she had felt her heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. Watching someone so young trying to fight off that kind of horrible pain all alone…it just wasn't right. He needed her and although the young nurse couldn't quite place the feeling or pinpoint exactly _why_ she felt the need to help Houjun, Hana knew that she would keep him safe at all costs. "Please?" she said again, her voice soft and starting to hold a note of desperation to it. 

Dr. Johnston sighed again, then threw his hands up in the air, letting them drop to his sides in defeat. "You seem to be very keen to take this young man on as your patient, Hana, and I'm sure you would make an excellent psychiatrist, but I'm just not sure about this. The safety risk for Houjun is too high for me to-"

"I would die before I hurt him!" Hana cut in fiercely. "I'd never let him do anything to endanger himself, or anyone else for that matter. I'll do whatever it takes to save him from himself, even if it means I have to take a punch in the face every time I see him." Her green eyes blazed with a fire so strong that Dr. Johnston almost took an apprehensive step backwards.

"Well, if you feel that strongly about it, I suppose we can give it a try," the doctor said after a moment's consideration. He turned serious and added, "I must impress upon you the gravity of what you are about to agree to. Houjun will not be easy to handle, he's known to break down unexpectedly and when he does it is very violently. Add to this, the fact that he does not talk, and therefore cannot tell you what's bothering him, and the fact that he is prone to hitting out at others as well as to hurting himself…Well to keep it simple, he is a patient with very special needs. Do you think you can handle it?"

Hana nodded firmly. "As I said, Doctor, I'll do whatever it takes." 

"Right then," Dr. Johnston cleared his throat importantly. "Hanami Sakura, you are the official counselor of Houjun Ri and you have just agreed to take full responsibility for your own actions and the actions of your charge. You will be working with Houjun under the pretense of being my assistant, as I will be the doctor legally responsible for seeing that he receives the help he needs, and you will tell this to anyone who asks. Do you understand?"

Hana saluted smartly. "Yes sir!" she said, trying to hide the grin that was quickly spreading over her face. "You won't regret this decision."

"Good." Dr. Johnston approved. "Now get to work before you get behind schedule." 

The nurse nodded and hurried off towards the nurse's station. 

A/N: Well there ya go ch3. hope it was okay and sorry if it was a little slow, transition chapters aren't my best ones. Gomen minna! Anyways I used some psychological terms in this chapter so here's an explanation.

Glossary of psychological terms:

Psychopathic- person with a mental disorder that makes them behave a certain way. Like serial killers or rapists. They get pleasure out of causing others harm so they're considered to have a mental instability- or if you want to get technical a psychopathic personality. Basically, you can't love anyone and you're an extremely cold, self-centered person. 

Psychosis-disease of the mind not associated with any actual injury, or disease, of the brain. That means the person has no biological unbalance in their brain that causes whatever abnormal behavior they display. Example- people who refuse to talk because they suffered excessive shock at some point in their life (yes, that's what happened to Houjun).

See you next chapter

~Tenshi Kitsune~ 


	4. Life Is But A Dream And Death Is The Awa...

A/N: well it's ch4. Warning for major angst and also a disclaimer that says three things 1. If you are uncomfortable with reading about suicide or suicidal thoughts, skip this chapter. 2. Anyone named 'Houjun' is the creation Yuu Watase and 3. Anything else you read is mine except for Houjun's past. To the story then.

Houjun was sitting cross-legged on his bed staring at the door and waiting for the moment when it would swing open to reveal Hana's gently smiling face. He had been waiting like this ever since she'd first shut the door, not daring to move, just in case he missed her return. That had been five hours ago and she still wasn't back. Houjun was beginning to think she wasn't coming, that Hana had only pretended to care so that she could get him to calm down. The young man frowned as this thought crossed his mind for the third time in twenty minutes. Could it be that she _wasn't_ coming? _Had_ she abandoned him? No, no it wasn't true! Hana wouldn't do that to him, she had said she cared, that she would help him! She had meant it, she hadn't been lying! She wasn't going to leave him all alone in the gathering darkness…was she? 

Houjun's expression darkened at that thought. Of course she was going to let him be overtaken by the darkness! What an idiot he was being, hanging on to false hopes like a frightened child, desperately seeking safety from the harshness of the world when he had learned long ago that there _was_ no safety in this world. There _was_ no Eden one could escape to when life became unbearable; there _wasn't _anyone who would reach out a helping hand when one fell into the abyss of their own mind. Nobody cared if others suffered, nobody wanted to help anybody but themselves anymore… so long as they were happy, who cared about the rest of the world? 

Besides, even if there _were _still some people who gave a damn about the rest of humanity, who would ever be stupid enough to care about _him_?! Him, Houjun Ri, he who had killed his best friend in cold blood, he who wouldn't talk and lashed out at everybody who came near him in fits of hysterical violence… he who was beyond all help. 

Beyond help. That's what he was, that was why she wasn't back yet. He was beyond all help and Hana, realizing this, abandoned him just like every other person he'd let into his heart. She had pretended to care about him, lied to him and made him feel like he _could _be saved-like he was someone worth caring about- all so that she wouldn't have it on her conscience that she'd left another human being to suffer alone while she just walked away and did nothing. It hadn't been for him that Hana had come into the room it had been for herself! She came because she felt obligated to, not because she cared, but because it was her _job _to help pathetic fools like him-she probably couldn't care less whether he lived or died so long as his death wasn't pinned on her.   

Houjun could feel tears starting in his eyes as he reached for the notebook lying beside him on the bed. He pulled the pencil out of the spiral and began writing, letting his emotions flow through him to pour out of his hand and onto the paper.

_'Alone. It's a word I've come to hate, but at the same time it's a word I've come to accept as part of me. Because that is what I am, alone. Everyone I've ever trusted has disowned me, forsaken me here for the rest of my life. From Kouran to my friends to my own parents, they've all left me here to die… Even my flower has wilted and left me to remain lost in the darkness.  They all think I'm hopeless, that I'll never get out of this place… they're wrong though. I may be hopeless but I _will_ get out one day. One day I will be free of this hellish existence. Hikou's blood will have been washed off my hands, this burning pain will fade, and the memories won't exist anymore. Nothing will. The agony and the tears and the horrible anguish of knowing I'm alone in the world won't exist anymore. Then I'll be free…I'll be free because once your dead, you can feel no pain. _

_That's what I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for death. In death there is peace, or at least the illusion of peace. At least if I have that I can finally find solace from the world's unending misery.'_

As he finished writing these words Houjun paused, following the path of a teardrop as it made it's solitary way down his hand and then his notebook to land soundlessly on the sheets. He sat there for awhile, studying the trails his tears were leaving behind on his paper, watching as the pristine droplets smeared his words and left dark streaks of mixed graphite and dampness behind. His gaze shifted to his right hand and he turned the limb over, noting with a certain dark satisfaction that he still bore the scar of three months ago on his wrist from when he had ripped his own skin open in a fit of hysterics. He gently traced the scar with his left hand, moving his fingers over the almost-healed wound in a meditative manner. After a few seconds, he took up his pencil again and continued writing.  

_' I've been waiting for a long time now, two years in fact. I am a patient man, but there's only so much I can take. Only so much agony I can bear before I lose my mind completely…I've waited long enough for peace, it's time I stopped waiting and finally rid the world of my presence. I've got nothing to live for, nobody to miss me…I have nothing left. I' m sorry I never got to see Kouran again because I still love her. Even after all these months, I still care for her despite the fact that she's forgotten me, but in the end it's all for the best.'_

With that the young man carefully closed his notebook, set it on his nightstand and clenched his left fist around the pencil he'd been using. Slowly, deliberately, he swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up. He took a deep breath, then two steps forward, swinging the sharpened pencil back, and as his foot touched down on his last step he thrust the tool forwards, sending the jagged tip speeding towards the main vein in his wrist.

A/N: Well it's a little shorted than usual, but so it ends. The question is, _does_ it end here? Or will I surprise you all and have something miraculous happen to save our dear Houjun from himself? You'll have to wait and see. Nothing else to say but see you next chapter!

~Tenshi Kitsune~


	5. Two Years Of Waiting And Then

A/N: And so we reach the resolution of ch4's cliffhanger ending. Hopefully it came out properly and isn't *too* bad. Anyways, Fushigi Yuugi isn't mine but Hana and this story are. Bit of angst and lots of emotion but other than that safe, here we go minna….

Houjun swung his arm back, gripping the thin pencil tightly in his trembling hand. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and sent the well-sharpened writing instrument rushing towards his wrist.

Five minutes earlier, Hana was just coming out of the nurse's station. She didn't know why, but a feeling of foreboding was descending over her as she drew closer and closer to Houjun's room. The young nurse quickened her pace as the feeling grew stronger and more urgent with every step she took until she was running flat out to get to Houjun in time to prevent whatever catastrophe was about to take place. She reached the door of the young man's room and flung it open just as she caught sight of Houjun plunging his arm forwards, a pencil clutched in his hand and aimed at his right wrist. 

Letting loose a cry of mingled surprise and horror, the young woman made a dive for Houjun. Her hand connected with his just as the point of the pencil reached his skin, and the tool went flying out of Houjun's hand, the desperate youth being too shocked at Hana's sudden arrival to hold onto the instrument. Ashen faced and breathing hard with a strange mix of terror and relief, the nurse took hold of Houjun's hands and looked him squarely in the face, her green eyes boring into his deep mahogany orbs. 

"Don't you ever do that again!" she cried, her voice wavering as she fought to repress tears. "Not ever, you hear me!? What if I hadn't gotten here in time? What then? You'd be…Oh god! You'd be… You almost…but why? You seemed okay when I left you, you almost laughed! Why this?! Oh god, I almost lost you!" The tight hold she had on her emotions shattered like glass beneath the crushing realization of what had nearly happened and Hana flung her arms around the young man, putting one hand behind his head and the other around his waist, cradling him in her arms like a mother might hold a child and sobbing softly. "I almost lost you!" she whispered, "I almost lost my sweet boy…" Hana's voice began to rise as terror gripped her once more. "Don't you _ever, ever _do that again!" she repeated, tears streaking down her face and falling onto Houjun's shaking hands. "Nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life. _Nothing_!" She pulled away from Houjun and looked up into his stunned face. Immediately the panic in her eyes softened to gentle sympathy at the look on his face.

Taking a deep breath, the young woman added in a gentler tone, "Whatever it is we can fix it, okay? We will always be able to fix it." 

The young nurse was using every ounce of self-restraint she possessed to keep her voice from rising again as soft tears coursed down her cheeks. "I swear to you, I will do anything and everything to make sure you get through this. You need to know that whatever happens, I'm here for you. I'll protect you. I promise I won't let anything happen to you. Nobody will hurt you so long as I'm here, alright? Because no matter what I'm going to be there by your side, trying to help you make the pain go away. Do you believe me?"

Houjun nodded weakly, his vision blurring as yet more tears gathered in his eyes at the sight of Hana's pale face. The young man saw how worried she must be, could tell by the way the nurse's eyes shone with concern as she gazed into his mahogany orbs that she had been absolutely terrified of losing him. He could feel how much cared for him from the way her hands shook as she held him, and as he watched the tears silently sliding down her delicate face he felt his knees go weak. 

She really did care…. She had run into the room and saved him because she truly _did_ want to help him. She hadn't been lying; she really _would _do anything to keep him from getting hurt. He meant so much to this one person that she was nearly trembling with grief because the thought of losing him almost broke her heart…

Houjun sank to his knees, slowly slipping out of Hana's arms and crumpling to the ground, his face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking with remorse as he collapsed into helpless sobs. The nurse knelt before him, gently lifting the young man's hands away from his face. 

"It's going to be okay…" she said quietly, her voice kind and reassuring despite the fact that her tears turning from tiny rivulets of salty water to a river of sadness and compassion for the anguish she knew Houjun was going through. "We'll work it out, you'll see."

Houjun shook his head miserably and pulled his hands from Hana's gentle grip. He reached out a hand to touch Hana's tear-stained cheek and, keeping one hand on her cheek, he cupped her other cheek in his right hand. Carefully, he brushed the jewel-like droplets from beneath her eye with his thumb then bowed his head as sadness overtook him once more. He dropped his hands, clasping them in front of his chest and sobbed harder than ever. 

Hana sighed heavily as she watched Houjun fall apart before her very eyes. Not knowing what was causing him so much pain, she was powerless to stop his tears and she felt an indescribable weight drop onto her shoulders as the feeling became more intense with every tear she saw fall from Houjun's eyes.

"Come here, sweetheart," she whispered, voice thick with emotion. Pulling the crying young man to her, she put her arms around him and held him close. "It's okay baby…shh…you're okay, I've got you…"

Houjun wrapped his own arms around the nurse, took a fistful of her shirtsleeve in each hand, and dug his nails into the soft material. Tiny beads of water slid rapidly down his face to soak into Hana's blouse as the young man felt his heart contract with guilt. He'd made her _cry_! How could he make her cry!?  Why did she care so much? What had he ever done in his miserable, murdering life to deserve her?  Houjun tightened his grip on Hana's sleeves and pulled her small form close as intense emotions coursed through him and made him cling tighter and tighter to the one person he had left in the world.

For a long time the two stayed that, one gently cradling a broken spirit, soothingly stroking feather-soft chestnut locks beneath her fingers and the other sobbing desolately against the soft white material of a hospital uniform, clinging to his last hope for dear life.   

Finally, Hana broke the silence that had descended over the small room. "I'm so sorry…" she whispered, "I'm sorry I can't stop the tears, sorry that I don't understand why you're crying, sorry that I left you alone…I'm just…sorry." The nurse pulled Houjun even closer as she felt his arms tighten around her. "I'm sorry I can't take away the pain…I-"

But her words were cut off as Houjun grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her away. The young man was careful not to hurt her, but Hana still flinched at the suddenness of his actions. He looked into her eyes, more tears starting to gather in his mahogany orbs as he thought he felt the only one who cared for him slipping away. 'No!' he wanted to shout 'No, don't give up! I might be hopeless and pathetic, but if _you_ were the one to reach out to me, then I might just take your hand!' But he couldn't. As much as the young man had come to trust the nurse, he still couldn't bring himself to speak. He put a hand to Hana's cheek and slowly brushed her skin with the tip of his fingers, pulling his hand back to place it over his heart in a tight fist.

Hana's green eyes softened as she saw the fear growing in Houjun's gentle brown eyes. She shook her head and gave Houjun a sad, reassuring smile. "I didn't mean it like that sweetheart. I'm not giving up," she told him gently, taking his left cheek in the palm of her hand. "Maybe other people think that giving up on you is what would be best, but I don't. I know you can beat those demons inside of you, you might need a little help sometimes, but you'll beat them. And I really do believe that." she added as she caught sight of the skeptic look Houjun was giving her. The nurse's green eyes sparkled with the tiniest hint of a smile as she brushed a few tears off her cheeks. "Besides, I saw you smile once and I intend to see you do it again."

Houjun bit his lower lip and stared at Hana in stunned disbelief. His shoulders shook as he repressed a whimper and he brought his hand up to cover Hana's on his cheek. He closed his eyes and let the warmth of finally feeling he was loved flow through him. 

A/N: And there you have it, the ending to my evil, evil cliffhanger! Sorry I took so long to write it but college is a total b*t*h. Blame my French teacher, not me…anyways yeah.

Musical selection: Setsunakutemo…Zutto (karaoke version) Tasuki's theme from oav2 eps4 (I think, or else it's 3 meh, one o' the two) 

It's late so gotta fly but ch6 coming sooner than this one

~Tenshi Kitsune~__


	6. Facing The Darkness, One Step At A Time

A/N: Well despite school and traffic accidents that scare the hell outta me I'm back. Fushigi Yuugi isn't mine but Hana is. Warning of very mild fluff (yes, fluff. Never thought I'd say that in connection to 'Water-mirror'... but there you are) and the usual tears. To ch6 then…

Right after this: This one's for Spak-chan and Lenore, my two very best friends in the world. Without you guys and the friendship you've blessed me with, I wouldn't be half the person I am today. So thanks and here's to you. ♥  

Houjun wrapped his fingers around Hana's hand, gently pressing his fingertips into her palm and finally letting go of his carefully constructed defenses. Hana squeezed Houjun's hand as she watched his inner walls crumble to dust and she realized for the first time that his face almost always mirrored what he was feeling. Lost, afraid, sad… it was all written on that beautiful, gentle face of his. At the moment Houjun's delicate features were creased into what seemed to be an odd mixture of pain, relief and something that the young nurse couldn't quite put her finger on. She felt hot tears slowly coursing over her fingers and making their way down her hand to splash softly onto the young man's knees. She pulled him to her again and rubbed his back reassuringly.

"You're okay sweetheart…it's alright, I've got you." she soothed. "No more tears now, okay?"

Houjun pushed himself back a few inches so that he could see the nurse's face, and Hana saw that he was smiling. It was a sad, guilty looking half-smile, but nevertheless, a smile. The young man reached out and brushed the last few teardrops from Hana's cheeks, giving her hand an apologetic squeeze and casting his gaze downwards.

"Don't worry, it's not you who made me cry." the nurse assured him, thinking that maybe the remorseful look in Houjun's eyes was caused by her tears. "It's my own fault. It's because I care too much. I know it's against the hospital's policy to become too attached to a patient, but every time I see you cry I can't help but cry with you. You're so gentle and caring… you don't deserve any of this pain… That's why-that's why I just can't bring myself to treat you like you don't matter to me. Because you do matter, more than anything in the world."

At these words, Houjun's grip on the young woman's hand became painfully tight and his face twisted into a look of bitter regret once more as he remembered his earlier condemning thoughts about Hana. How could he have doubted her? How could he have thought she would leave him to fight the darkness alone? Was he so lost in his world of melancholic acrimony that he was blinded to her kindness and compassion?

No he wasn't blinded, merely distrustful. After all, what reason had he been given to trust anyone before? For the past two years all he had known was despair and loneliness as he watched everyone he cared for silently fade into the shadows. But things had changed, no longer was he alone in his pain. Now he had someone to care for, someone who cared for him as well. He had an angel watching over him and Houjun knew that he would do anything for her, even if it meant he had to go to hell and back.

He looked up at the nurse again, his features shifting into determination as he gazed into those caring green eyes, and vowed to get better so that he would never have to be the cause of Hana's tears again. 

The young woman shook her head in wonder as she watched Houjun's emotions shift in his eyes and play themselves out on his oh-so-expressive face. "You just figured something out, didn't you?" she asked quietly, her voice halfway between amusement and awe. "Something you've been working at for awhile now, right?"

Houjun nodded shyly, a slow blush creeping into his cheeks at how much Hana could guess just by watching his eyes.

"I wish I could ask you what it is but you're not ready to talk just yet, are you?" Hana asked softly.

Houjun shook his head, downcast mahogany eyes turning shameful once more.

"Don't be sorry, it's alright." the young woman reassured, "I understand that you're afraid of what will come out when you do talk again. It's okay to be frightened. One day you'll be ready and then you'll show them all, won't you?"  

Houjun smiled a little, then frowned, putting his head to one side and giving Hana a questioning look, asking her without words when he'd be ready.

"Soon enough, my Houjun, soon enough." she replied, reaching up and brushing a stray tendril of chestnut hair out of his eyes "One day, you'll want to talk and then we'll finally beat those demons of yours for good, I promise. You and me, together, but until that day comes, I'll be listening to the words you show me instead of the ones you tell me."

The young man's pensive frown deepened as he thought over Hana's words. Listening to the unspoken words…had anyone _ever listened to those before? Had he ever met anyone who could read him as easily as Hana could? Was it any wonder that he trusted her above all others with his deepest fears, his life…his very soul? _

This time it was Houjun's turn to look at Hana in amazement. He smiled at the nurse and then, ever so delicately, took her cheeks between his hands and lowered her head so that he could reach the top of her head. He leaned forwards, giving the young woman a light and tender kiss just above her forehead thanking her in his silent language. He pulled away slowly, each move deliberate and careful as he tried to tell Hana just how much _she meant to __him._

"Oh, Houjun…" breathed Hana, pulling the young man to her in a caring embrace. His strong arms enfolded her and she held him close, fresh tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Hana could feel her heart swelling with a hundred different levels of emotion for this young man who had chosen her to be his savior, for the faith he placed in her but above all, for the simple fact that he loved her back. Much like her youthful patient, Hana had never truly belonged anywhere, or to anyone. It meant the world to her that this one person cared for her as she cared for him. "I'll never let you down…" she whisper-promised, closing her eyes and allowing a single teardrop to fall from her eyes. "I'll save you, I swear it."

The young man nodded against her shoulder and squeezed her arm reassuringly, letting Hana know that he believed her. The two stayed that way for awhile longer, then Hana gently let go of Houjun and got to one knee.

"I have to make a phone call," she told him "It won't take long…"

Before she could finish her sentence, Houjun had grabbed hold of the nurse's hand and pulled it to his chest, his dark eyes wide with fear. 

Hana smiled consolingly at him. "Don't worry I'm not leaving you here all by yourself, especially after what almost happened earlier." Her eyes flickered briefly with fear as she felt her heart rate pick up at the memory, then went back to their usual green sparkle. "You're coming too."

Houjun bit his lip in apprehension and his eyes darkened with embarrassment. He looked at the door, then back at Hana and shook his head.

 "You haven't been out there in a long time, have you?" the nurse asked, careful not to make the question sound as if she thought Houjun was being stupid or cowardly. 

The youth shook his head, turning sharply to look at the opposite wall so he wouldn't have to see Hana's face.

"Well then, here's your chance to prove that you really do want to get better." Hana told him, giving his hand an encouraging squeeze. "If you face your fear, you won't be afraid anymore and it'll be one less thing to worry about, right?"

Houjun nodded slightly and blinked rapidly, his lower lip starting to tremble as tears of shame welled in his eyes.

"It's okay, I'll be right there with you the whole time." Hana promised, noting the uncertainty behind the fear in Houjun's eyes. "I swear, I won't let go of your hand and I'll stay as close as I can to you, alright?"

Houjun looked at her for a second, then hid his face in humiliation again.

"Don't be afraid," the nurse repeated "There won't be anyone out there at this hour. They all went home at eight." She gave him a playful smile, tilting her head so that she was eye level with him. "So basically you're afraid of…the janitor?"

Houjun shook his head, his shoulders shaking momentarily with silent laughter, and looked up at Hana.

"See? It'll be okay." she assured him. "Come on, just hold my hand and be brave. We'll face your fears together, alright?"

The young man nodded, brushing the tears out of his eyes and setting his face in determination. He let Hana pull him to his feet and followed her to the door. The nurse put her hand on the knob and looked back at him. "Ready?" she asked. He nodded shortly and Hana pulled the solid oak door open and stepped into the unnaturally bright hallway. "Your turn."  Houjun gripped Hana's hand tightly and took one hesitant step forward, then another and another until he was almost past the door of the next room.

"You're doing it! That's it!" Hana cheered, guiding Houjun towards the receptionist's desk at the end of the hall. The young man beamed at her and loosened his grip on her hand a little. They kept going until they had reached the end of the white-washed corridor, stopping only once when Houjun's fears resurfaced suddenly and overtook him for a few moments. 

Hana stood on her tiptoes and brought the phone up from its place next to the computer and set it down on the counter of the secretary's desk. "Now just hold on for three seconds while I tell my neighbor to take care of Suisei –that's my cat's name- and then we can go back to your room, okay?"

Houjun ducked his head in agreement and respectfully moved a few steps to his left to give Hana her privacy. As the nurse dialed the number and instructed her neighbor on how to feed Suisei, Houjun caught sight of a solitary figure making its lonely way down the hall towards them. His eyes widened in panic and he swallowed hard, holding Hana's hand as tightly as he could without hurting her. Hana noticed the young man's agitation right away and hurriedly ended her call.

"What's wrong?" she asked, turning immediately to Houjun. "Are you okay?"

The youth looked at her and then back down the hall at the approaching figure, his entire body starting to tremble.

"It's okay; it's only the night guard." Hana told him as the figure stepped into a patch of light. "He's a nice person; he won't hurt you or make fun of you. Just keep walking and pretend he's not there, alright?"

Houjun nodded, his eyes still bright with anxiety, and took hold of Hana's arm with his free hand as they started back to Houjun's room. They were only three doors away from the safety of the room when the security guard finally caught up to them.

"Well, hi there Hana." the guard said cheerfully, flashing the two younger ones a smile "And who's this young fella?"

"His name is Houjun and I'm taking care of him tonight." the nurse said casually, trying to set Houjun at ease by showing him how friendly the guard was.

"Well ain't that just about the nicest thing! Nice to meet you, Houjun, I'm Alex. I usually work nights 'round here, y'know keep the ol' place safe for all you guys an' gals in 'ere." Alex smiled again and stuck out his hand.

Houjun looked at him uncertainly for a minute, then ever so slowly, he reached out and took the other man's hand. 

Alex saw the apprehension in the young man's eyes and gave Houjun a reassuring grin, making his light grey eyes crinkle in amusement. "Don't you be worried none, Houjun." the watchman said good-naturedly, letting go of Houjun's shaking hand "I been around this place for over thirty years now, I won't hurt 'cha. The worst you'll get from me is a smile an' a story."

Houjun smiled tremulously at the older man and lowered his eyes a little as a light pink blush crept into his cheeks.

"There's a good man!" Alex approved "One less person t'be afraid of, right?"

Houjun nodded and stood up straighter relieved that the guard was actually sympathizing with him instead of giving him disdainful looks and ignoring the fact that Houjun existed as he had feared Alex would. Hana smiled warmly and put a hand on Alex's shoulder. "You must be a miracle worker, did you know that?" she laughed. "My poor Houjun was terrified of running into you, but all you needed to say were a few simple words and now look; my boy's smiling at you! There must be magic in that smile of yours."

Alex went scarlet and scuffed the toe of his shoe against the tiled floor. "Well it don't take more'n a bit o' reassurance sometimes t'get someone t'trust ya…" he told them shyly "After all, if y'can't be nice t'folk what's the point in talkin' to 'em anyhow?"

Houjun nodded earnestly at the comment and gave both Hana and Alex a solemn look to show that he knew what it was to be looked down upon.

"You said it there, young fella." Alex agreed. "It hurts when them doctors give you those looks that tell you y'ain't worth talkin' to!"

"It does hurt," Hana put in "But you know what? I look at it this way, they may give me dirty looks now, but on the day I show them what I'm really made of… they'll wish they hadn't been so mean to me!"

Alex grinned approvingly at the nurse and gave Houjun a sidelong look. "See that Houjun? That's a woman what know what she's worth. She's gonna blow 'em all away when she shows her real talent. You wanna know somethin' else? I think that the day you come outta that shell o' yours, you'll blow 'em away too! An' that's the day they'll all see what both of you can do! They'll see how great Hana really is an' they'll see that amazin' young man I can see hidin' behind those sad eyes o' yours."

Houjun's mahogany eyes widened. How could Alex see what was in his heart? Was he perhaps psychic?

The guard laughed at the incredulous look on Houjun's face and shook his head amusedly. "I ain't a mind reader," he reassured, mystifying Houjun again with how easily he tracked with the young man's thoughts. "I jus' know people. Been workin' with 'em for so long, I learned how t'read their eyes. Didja know y'can read most anything in people's eyes? That's cause the eyes are th' on'y part o' your face that can't be masked."

Hana looked at Alex with renewed respect shining out of her eyes. "That's the wisest thing I've heard in a long time." the nurse breathed in awe. "We should talk to you more often."

Alex went red again and Houjun, who had been deep in thought, gave him a questioning look.                

"Why can't ya mask your eyes?" Alex repeated the unspoken question. "Ya can't mask 'em 'cause your eyes are like tiny li'l windows to your mind. They show what 'cher _really_ feelin' 'bout things." the night guard explained "It's like the way your toyin' with your pajama top on account a nerves, but with the feelin's that flash in your eyes."

Houjun looked down at his free hand, which had a corner of his shirt tangled in his fingers, and quickly let go of the fabric in embarrassment.

Alex laughed at the younger man's discomfiture. "See? If it ain't the way you're actin', it's the look in your eyes." The guard reached out and before Hana could stop him, he put a gentle hand under Houjun's chin and tilted the young man's head upwards. 

Hana tensed as she anticipated Houjun's reaction, but to her complete shock nothing worse happened than Houjun's grip on her hand tightening.

Alex looked straight into the youth's eyes. "Right now you're embarrassed and a little scared, am I right?" he asked softly. 

Houjun nodded and gazed back into the kind grey eyes of the guard, feeling his fear melt away as he saw the gentle compassion shining there.

Alex smiled and let go of Houjun. "I toldja, look in their eyes and you'll see their true intensions."

The younger man nodded in understanding, giving Alex a small, appreciative smile of thanks.

Hana slowly let out the breath she'd been holding and looked from Alex to Houjun in amazement. _He trusts Alex… _she thought incredulously _He really trusts him…This turned out better than I'd hoped it would! _

Finally, Alex looked away and freed Houjun from the intense stare he'd been giving the youth. "Well, I've held you two up f'r long enough." he said finally turning back towards his office and flashing the two a bright smile. "Guess it's time I went back t'work."

"It's still early!" Hana protested "It's only," She checked her watch. "Ten thirty!?" she exclaimed, shocked "We've been standing out here for two hours already!?" 

"Yep, maybe more'n two hours." Alex nodded, looking over his shoulder at the young woman "I better let you get Houjun here t'bed. He looks worn right out."

Hana looked at Houjun and saw that there was a definite wilted look to him. "I suppose you're right." the nurse admitted with a sigh "Good night then."

Alex started back towards the front desk and Hana made to take a step towards Houjun's room. Houjun pulled her back and gave her a pleading look. Hana smiled and shook her head. "I know you don't want to leave yet, but we both need to sleep and Alex has to do his job." she told the young man, "Alex will still be here tomorrow night and so will I. We can find him a little earlier tomorrow, that way we have more time, and then we can talk all you want. How's that sound?"

Houjun frowned in disappointment then nodded, still not wanting to leave his new friend so quickly. He sighed regretfully and followed Hana back to his room. 

The nurse gently led Houjun to his bed and the young man settled himself under the covers, his eyes starting to close almost as soon as he lay his head on the pillow.

"Sleep tight, sweetie." Hana whispered, giving him a soft kiss on the forehead. "I'll see you in the morning."

Houjun nodded sleepily as his eyes closed and he fell into blessed sleep. Hana watched him for a few minutes, marveling at how open and innocent his face looked framed by a soft cascade of his chestnut bangs and the moonlight from the window gently playing across his pale cheeks. 

_If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was still only six years old. _She thought as she made her way to the chair sitting by the window and curled up in it. "Sweet dreams, my Houjun." she murmured as sleep took her over as well "May the night keep you safe while I sleep…"

A/N: So it ends for now because the evil corporate world of work is calling my name. -.-() sigh…oh well. Hope y'all liked it. 

Later days,

~Tenshi Kitsune~ 


	7. Dreaming Of Darkness And Falling Into Th...

A/N: well here we are at chapter seven. Houjun isn't mine but Hana is and here we go…

As the night went steadily on all around the hospital, there wasn't a sound to be heard. Soft moonlight filtered through the windows set every so often in the walls to bathe the tiled hallways in its soothing light and, if you listened closely, you could almost hear the wind whispering gentle lullabies to the patients within. Everything was quiet and sterile, as it always was, and in the middle of this peace a single, frightened sob was suddenly heard.     

_It was pitch black, except for the faint glimmer of moonlight through the treetops, and Hana was running. She didn't know where she was going; she just knew she had to get wherever she was headed as fast as she could. She dodged trees and other greenery, jumping over deep chasms of inky blackness, willing herself to go faster as she realized that she was not alone in the infinite darkness. Something was coming for her and, without knowing what the thing was Hana knew it was something she should fear. She darted around a patch of thorny rose bushes, feeling her heart pounding in her chest and her lungs burning for lack of air. The young nurse threw a frantic glance over her shoulder, desperately trying to see what was behind her. What she saw nearly made her heart stop. The thing was catching up, its massive black wings arching out from its back and curling around its shapeless body. Its clawed hands reached for her, blindly seeking out the young woman, fangs gleaming in the darkness as it let out an unearthly howl of fury. _

_With each passing second it came closer and closer and Hana knew it was only a matter of time before it claimed her entirely. Suddenly she slipped and the nurse felt herself falling, but instead of landing on the forest floor she slid over the edge of one of the black voids. She reached out and managed to grab hold of the edge of the pit, all the while knowing it was futile. If she didn't fall to her doom, the shadow-demon would surely overtake her. _

_She closed her eyes and waited for death to come, tears streaking down her face and her entire body trembling in terror. Footsteps reverberated on the ground above her and a pair of hands suddenly seized her wrists, dragging her upwards almost lovingly. Hana's eyes flew open in shock and she looked up into the face of Hell itself. The hideous fangs shone sliver in the faint light as the demon's face split into a vicious grin and it pulled her into its arms, enfolding the tiny woman in its leathery black wings as the fangs came closer and closer to her face…_

Hana awoke with a start, covered in a cold sweat and shaking like a leaf. "I-it wasn't… real…" she told herself in a trembling whisper, trying to calm her panicked breathing. "I-it- it was only a dream…n-nothing to be afraid of….only a dream…" Her last words caught on a sob and she buried her face in her hands, shaking worse than ever.

Without warning, a hand reached out of the soft darkness of the room and gently touched Hana's shoulder. The nurse gasped and flinched back from the touch, drawing her knees close to her chest and burying her face in them. The hand was quickly removed from her shoulder and Hana heard the shuffling of material against concrete before the same hands lightly caught her face between two palms and lifted her head from her knees so that she was facing whoever was in front of her.

Through her tears, Hana could make out Houjun's worried face in the moonlight that shone from the window. His mahogany eyes were wide and full of concern as he carefully brushed a tear from Hana's soaking cheek.

"Oh, it's you Houjun." the nurse breathed in relief "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to wake you…"

Houjun shook his head, his anxious brown eyes searching Hana's terrified green ones. 

"I-it's okay…I'm fine." Hana tried to reassure him "I-it was only…only a dream…"  She choked on the words again and dissolved into helpless sobs as images of the black demon came unbidden to her mind. And then Houjun was there, lifting Hana from the chair and cradling her in a compassionate embrace. The nurse was shaking in Houjun's arms, her face buried in his chest and her hands gripping his pajama top for dear life as she sobbed uncontrollably. 

"I was… it was…so s-scared…" she choked, absolute terror making her incoherent as she tried to explain the reason for her tears to Houjun "The-the darkness…it had me….I-I  w-was…like l-last t-time…f-falling into n-nothing and th-then…I almost-I-it almost got me!… An-and it almost t-took… took me away…from… f-from you… and I almost… and, my God! Those horrible, glowing eyes! B-blood red a-and…" She trailed off again, burying her face in the soft fabric of Houjun's pajamas as her sobs redoubled and her trembling increased to the point that her vision began to blur. 

Houjun sighed heavily; his eyes wide with a mix of sympathy and shock as he bit back a gasp of surprise. He never would have expected this little development to take place. Hana was too confident and full of hope to have these kinds of demons inside her…_She_ was the brave one; _she_ was the one with the answers and the courage, not him! Houjun looked back down at the fearful woman trembling in his arms and suddenly her first words of reassurance to him came floating to the top of his conscious thoughts. '_I used to be in a situation like yours… for years I was living in Hell until one day someone reached out a hand and pulled me out.' __  _

So she wasn't as perfect as he'd first thought…Houjun frowned and shook his head to clear it. Of course she wasn't perfect! What an idiotic thing to think! She probably had the same internal scars he had, reoccurring nightmares, a deep-seated fear of other people… the kind of scars that would never fully heal. _   _

He pulled the nurse closer, his heart clenching painfully in his ribcage as he thought of her hurting so badly. He lay his head on top of hers and gently stroked her hair, giving her soft kisses on top of her head every so often. Hana clung to him and the more she cried, the more Houjun pulled her to him. He sat there with the young nurse cradled protectively against his chest, letting her cry out her fear and grief , wishing he could do more than just offer silent comfort to the obviously suffering young woman.  

After a while Hana's sobs calmed themselves into quiet hiccups and her trembling lessened to barely-noticeable shivering, her small form going limp with exhaustion in Houjun's arms. The young man continued to hold her, rubbing her back and rocking slowly from side to side with the young woman.

"Daijobu…" he whispered his voice barely audible even in the silence of the room "Mou, daijobu…anata wa anzen ima…shh…" 

Houjun's eyes widened in surprise as the words came tumbling from his mouth before he could stop them. He looked down at Hana to see if she had noticed and found that the nurse had cried herself to sleep. The young man smiled sadly and carefully lifted the young woman's slight form in his strong arms. He set her down on his bed and pulled the covers up around her chin. She shuddered once as a corner of the blankets brushed against her arm and then lay still, her fragile form appearing even smaller as she curled up into a tight little ball, gripping a corner of the soft sheets in one hand. Tears still slipped from beneath her closed eyes to fall silently onto the covers, and Houjun sat down on the edge of the bed. He caught a teardrop on the end of his finger and watched as the tiny droplet sparkled in the moonlight for a second then slid from his hand to shatter on his knees. He sighed again, then leaned forwards and gave the nurse a gentle, yet firm kiss on top of her head.

"Boku no… Hana…"he murmured as he pulled away "My…flower…"

He watched her sleep for awhile, wondering what could drive her to such a sorry state and trying to keep himself from crying. His eyes began to close before long though, as it was still the middle of the night and Houjun got reluctantly to his feet to get a spare blanket from his dresser. He spread the blanket out on the floor next to his bed and shut his eyes, thinking that if Hana woke up again at least he'd be nearby. 

Suddenly sunlight was streaming through the window, falling softly over Hana's face and spilling over the side of the bed to play over Houjun's pale cheeks. The young man's eyelashes fluttered for a second, trying to block out the golden rays of light, then suddenly flew open as he remembered Hana and the events of the previous night. He sat bolt upright, scrambling to his knees and gripping the edge of the bed tightly as he worriedly examined the still-sleeping nurse's features.

Hana was still curled into a tight little ball, her face pale and streaked with tiny lines of dried tears, but other than that she looked almost…peaceful. Houjun stared in wonder as he watched the nurse's chest slowly rise and then fall with each breath she took. His brow creased in confusion and he reached out to take his notebook off the night table. 

Settling himself cross-legged on the floor with his back resting lightly against the bed frame, he opened the book to a blank page and just sat there for while, staring at the light blue lines and red margins on the paper. He looked up at Hana's small form again then suddenly, he knew what he wanted to write. 

_'Hope. It's a funny word because it can at once be reassuring and damning, cheerful and full darkness… When one feels hope, it's almost as if the world has become less of a frightening place and the problems we go through seem to diminish as the hope grows. But then as things go from bad to worse we feel that our hope has all been for nothing, that the few moments of possibility were all just an illusion and the feeling of happiness fades to be replaced by one of utter despair. Hope is a very fragile thing and yet it is also unbreakable once it is solid…_

_I never thought I would be able to feel hope again, but then she came and everything was alright for a while. I was in her arms and the world had light in it again, my life had a purpose-_has_ a purpose. Then last night, as I held her, helpless to stop her tears from falling, I realized something. I realized that I do not have hope; I have faith. Faith is a solid, unyielding belief in something or someone. Faith turns all doubt to certainty and, as long as you never lose it, it the strongest form of trust you can place in something. I did not have faith last night, not in myself or in Hana. I had hope that she would calm when I held her, hope that my mere presence would be enough, but I did not believe and so the self- doubt made me unable to reassure her fears. I didn't believe in Hana, didn't believe she could stop crying, didn't believe I could reassure her and so I failed her. But somehow I know she won't fail me, I know she won't fail even when I do lose both hope and faith… She'll save my sinner's soul. After all if she doesn't, who else will?'_

As Houjun set his pencil back in the spiral and shut the notebook, he heard a soft knocking on his door. His eyes widened in apprehension and he shrank back into the corner formed by his bed and the night table. The gentle tapping came again, this time accompanied by a reassuring voice. 

"Houjun? Are you in there? If you are, open the door please."  It was Dr. Johnston. Houjun's eyes widened even more as real fear began to fill his mind and he drew his knees to his chest, holding his notebook close to him like a security blanket. What did the doctor want with him? Was he back to stick more needles in his arms? Would he call those terrifying men to lock him in that coat again?  

For the third time, Dr. Johnston rapped his knuckles against the door and for the third time Houjun tried to push himself into the solid oak of his night table.

The doorknob twisted and Dr. Johnston's officious tones broke the silence once more. "I'm coming in now, okay? Don't be afraid, I'm just going to step inside and see if you're alright." the doctor called quietly, sounding like he was trying to convince a scared kitten to come out of hiding. 

The door opened halfway and Houjun saw Dr. Johnston cautiously inch around the doorframe and step into the room. The doctor held a bag of medical supplies in one hand and a two-way walkie-talkie was sticking out of his coat pocket. Houjun winced and buried his face in his knees, screwing his eyes shut as he felt the doctor's footsteps drawing nearer and nearer. The young man suddenly felt a hand close on his shoulder and his head snapped up, right fist lashing out instinctively to ward off the owner of the hand. 

Dr. Johnston let out a surprised yelp as he sat down hard on the cold floor of Houjun's room. "What was that all about!?" the doctor demanded, fixing Houjun with an annoyed glare "I gave you fair-"  The older man's words trailed off as he caught sight of the small form huddled in the bed. "My god!" he exclaimed in horror "Is that…" The man bolted to his feet and looked down into Hana's pale face. "It is! What have you done to her? Hana! Hana, wake up! "  

Dr. Johnston grabbed Hana's shoulder and shook her, not harshly but firmly enough to pull her back to the conscious world. The nurse woke with a start and let out a frightened squeak, a single tear finding its way down her face. Houjun jumped to his feet and shoved the doctor out of his way, taking hold of Hana's hands and staring anxiously into her green eyes.  

 "Oh it's you…" the nurse breathed in relief. "I thought it might be…" The young woman cut herself off as she caught sight of Dr. Johnston getting to his feet beside Houjun.

"Hana!" Dr. Johnston exclaimed, mistaking Hana's thankful sigh for one of fear "Get away from him! I don't want you getting hurt again!"

"What? Why…I-I don't understand…" the nurse stammered in complete bewilderment. "I'm not hurt…"  

The doctor pulled Houjun away from Hana and got between the two, pulling his walkie-talkie from his pocket as he faced Hana. "Now, now you mustn't defend him. He's done something horrible and should pay for it."

"But doctor, I don't under-"Hana tried again. She was cut off once again by a warning look from her superior.

"I'm calling security, so don't you try anything." The statement was directed at Houjun, who was desperately trying to get a good look at Hana to see if she was alright.

"Hello? Max? Yes, this Sam Johnston, I need security in room 304. We have a patient here who feels he can assault our nurses just because he's stronger than they are."

At these words, Houjun's eyes widened and he whirled around just as Hana sprang to her feet, a look of outrage on her face.

"What the hell are you talking about?!" she cried, anger starting to get the better of her "Houjun did no such thing!"

"Then explain your tears!" the doctor retorted. "Explain to me why I came in here to find you in Houjun's bed looking as if you'd been to the gates of hell and back!"

Hana hesitated, her anger starting to fade as memories of the previous night surfaced in her mind. "I-I can't…" she said at last. "But I do know that anything I might have felt or been through was not because of Houjun!" she added firmly. "If anything, he took care of me."

Dr. Johnston narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Is this true?" he asked Houjun.  

The young man in question nodded solemnly, mahogany eyes filled with something close to apprehension and anger.

"I see. So I am to take the word of a murderer and a headstrong young woman who is blinded by her own naiveté?" the doctor demanded.

Hana looked sharply at Houjun "What does he mean, murderer?" she asked uncertainly. "He can't mean you…"

Houjun looked helplessly at the nurse, unable to offer a defense as he was still unwilling to talk when he knew someone was listening.

"You see? He doesn't deny it because he knows I speak the truth." Dr. Johnston went on; ignoring the warning glance Houjun shot him. "He knows what he did to his best friend."

In a deceptively calm manner, Houjun handed his notebook to Hana and took a step forward, a dangerous glint in his eye.

"That's right Houjun, why don't you kill me as well?" the older man taunted "It's what you do to everyone else who doesn't bend to your will…"

Houjun started forwards but Hana took his arm. "Don't." she said grimly "He wants you to hit him, don't fall into his little mind games."

"Hana's right. We wouldn't want you to get upset now would we?" A self-satisfied look crossed Dr. Johnston's face. "Because then she might see your true self. She might have to watch as you take yet another life."

Houjun's eyes went flat and he started shaking with rage. Hana could feel the young man's muscles jumping with tension underneath her hands and she squeezed his arm reassuringly. "He's just a bitter old man." she told Houjun "A bitter old liar. Don't sink to his level."

"Am I really lying though?" the doctor asked casually. "Do you know why he was brought here to begin with? Didn't he tell you _why he's such a lost cause?"_

"He is not a lost cause!" Hana yelled her fury almost matching Houjun's now "He's not hopeless and he's not a murderer! You just hate him because he won't let you near him! You just want to make him miserable because you can't get the credit for helping him!" 

"Ignorant." the man said scornfully "He is a homicidal maniac. That's why he's here!"  Again the doctor ignored the warning look in Houjun's eyes as he went recklessly on, forgetting both the hospital's rules and the confidentiality rules of his practice. "He threw his best friend out of a sixteenth story window because of a stupid argument over a girl! He couldn't stand the loss, so he went after the man with a knife…he lost his nerve at the last second though and he dropped the knife and threw the man out a window instead."

Houjun's eyes were sparking by now, his face contorted in seething anger and it was a struggle for Hana to hold the much bigger young man back. 

Still the doctor wasn't satisfied. "Wait, there's more." he said with grim satisfaction "After he did the deed, he decided to take the coward's way out and nearly killed himself. He was brought in with slashes all up his arms and legs, even a nice cut across the back of his head…That's how gentle and perfect your precious patient is! He's a delusional, psychotic sociopath!"

That did it. Houjun wrenched himself out of Hana's arms and tackled the doctor, throwing the older man to the floor and driving his fists into every available part of the other man's body. 

"Houjun! Stop it!" Hana cried, desperately pulling the youth off the doctor and trying to hold him back. "Get hold of yourself!"

"You see?" the doctor laughed scornfully, pulling himself to his feet. He looked at Houjun, watching as the young man fought to free himself again and shook his head in disgust. "I was right. This is his true nature, not the gentle lost soul he pretends to be! Why else would he react like this?"

Houjun managed to throw Hana off of him at last and the nurse fell to the floor with a cry of pain. Deafened by his overwhelming anger, Houjun paid her no mind and grabbed Dr. Johnston by his shirt collar, slamming him into the wall. He put his hands around the man's throat and started squeezing. 

"Stop it!" Hana yelled again as she flew at the young man, frantically trying to stop Houjun from doing something he would regret for the rest of his life. She looped her arms under Houjun's, effectively immobilizing the young man's arms and allowing Dr. Johnston to slip out of Houjun's grasp, then pulled the youth backwards as hard as she could. They both went crashing to the floor and Houjun's elbow flew out of nowhere to land a right hook to Hana's jaw just as security burst into the room. 

"Max! Get in 'ere fast," yelled a blond haired man of about thirty "He's tryin' to kill the nurse or somethin'!" 

The man named Max came rushing in and the two young men jumped on Houjun, pulling the struggling young man off of Hana and held him back as a third guard came in and quickly started assembling a needle. The cold metal gleamed in the sunlight and suddenly Houjun stopped struggling, the anger draining from his eyes to be replaced with cold fear as his face went deathly pale. Tears sprang to his eyes as he once again started pulling at the young men holding him, this time in desperation rather than rage.

"Better give him a double dose." Dr. Johnston told the third man as he gingerly massaged his neck.

The guard nodded and opened up a second bottle of serum.

"Hurry up, Tom!" the blond man said from between clenched teeth "He's strong!"

Tom nodded and injected the sedative into the needle. "Keep him steady now." he warned as he approached with the shot. 

A sob escaped Houjun and he threw his weight against the men, his mind starting to go blank with fear, frantic to free himself from their iron hold on him In the end though, it was no use, Max and the other man were too strong for him so he did the only thing he could think of; he dodged Tom and the needle, nearly dragging his two captors with him, and reached out his one free arm. "Hana!" he cried in desperation, panicked tears cascading down his face as he pulled at the solid arms that held him "Hana, tasukete!"

The nurse, who had been sitting on the floor dazedly holding her jaw, came sharply back to reality as the cry reached her ears. She pushed herself to her feet and threw herself at the two guards, putting her own body between Houjun and Tom's needle. "Leave him alone!" she ordered "Let go of him, can't you see he's about to go into shock?!"

All of a sudden, Hana was pulled backwards and Dr. Johnston's smug tones were telling her to let the guards do their jobs. "I've waited two long years for an opportunity like this, you will not take it away from me!" he growled in her ear.

"Let me go!" Hana yelled, throwing the doctor off of her and sending him speeding towards the concrete floor where he landed with an ear-splitting crash. "I will not let you hurt him!" she seethed "He's my responsibility and no one is going to hurt him as long as I'm still alive to stop them!" 

She jumped the man with the needle just as he was about to stick Houjun with it and pinned his arms behind his back. "Now let him go or I'll break his arms!" she shouted, her voice dangerous as she glared at the blond guard. 

The guard turned to his accomplice. "What do we do?" he asked fearfully.

"Let him go, we got no choice." Max told him.

The two released Houjun and the young man fell to his knees, unable to stand under his own power. Hana was by his side in an instant. "Houjun! Houjun, look at me sweetheart, show me you're okay…" The nurse took the youth's face in her hands and looked into his unfocused mahogany eyes. "Damnit!" she swore "He's about to black out!" She turned to the guards again as she gently put her arm around Houjun's shoulder and held him upright. "I need a wet cloth and a paper bag, yesterday!" she ordered Max. "And, you two," she said turning to the blond guard and Tom. "Get him to the nurse's station so they can patch him up." She nodded towards Dr. Johnston's still form "I think I threw him too hard."

All three nodded and did as they were told.   

Turning her full attention back to Houjun, Hana started shaking his shoulders. "Wake up! Come on sweetie, you've got to wake up!" she pleaded, gently hitting the young man's cheek with her other hand. "Please, you have to stay awake! Come on…"

It took almost five minutes, but the young man's eyes slowly began to focus and his entire body started to tremble violently, his breath coming in short sobbing, gasps. He turned wide eyes on Hana and the nurse gave him a quick, reassuring smile before she put her arms under Houjun's and, holding the youth upright with her shoulders and upper arms, carefully put her hands over Houjun's nose and mouth.

"Work with me Houjun, you have to try and breath to my counts, alright?" the young woman told him, giving the young man's shoulder a soft jolt with her elbows. "One…two…in...out…That's it, keep it up now." she coached him, keeping a firm hold on the young man so he wouldn't fall over. "One… two…in...out"

Houjun tried to do as Hana said but with each passing second it was getting harder and harder to focus, his already battered mind weakened from lack of air. His breathing was just starting to get back to normal when he felt a sudden wave of dizziness sweep over him. His head dropped forward and he went limp in Hana's arms as he fought not to throw up.

Hana's hands left Houjun's face and a cool, damp cloth was pressed to the back of his neck. Strong arms kept him from falling forwards onto his face and the young man could make out faint voices saying something.

"…won't be able to stay awake…" one was saying –he thought this voice was Hana's but he couldn't tell for the fog in his brain impeding his thought process.     

"Anythin' I c'n do?" A new voice this time, male and completely unfamiliar to Houjun.

"Not now, but st…." 

And then the world danced before his eyes and Houjun felt himself falling… falling into the darkness and he knew no more.

A/n: And so it ends for now because it is cold and I can't feel my fingers. Hopefully this isn't too crappy a chapter, considering I don't know anything about people falling unconscious or how a mental hospital works (hell I don't know a lot of things that went on in this chappy, but oh well) and it has also not been edited very well -.-(). Hopefully length made up for really long absence and next chapter WILL be better, I swear! We (we is me and the flea in my pocket, case you're wondering (that's not my line btw, it from white stones by roku-chan and I used it without permission. Go read it if you haven't already! It's worth it I swear!)) have a dictionary below and see y'all next time. 

Glossary: 

Anata wa anzen ima- you're safe now (badly translated tho, so probably not grammatically correct)

Daijobu-it's okay

Tasukete!-help!

 There you go. Later days

~Tenshi Kitsune~


	8. Time To Think And Time To Talk

A/N: And it's chapter eight. As usual I own nobody but the doctors, nurses and security guards. Away we go….

Hana closed her eyes in sadness for a second as she felt Houjun go completely still in her arms and she carefully shifted the young man so his head was cradled in her lap. Aside from the fact that he was unconscious, he seemed to be alright but Hana still felt her heart contract with guilt and fear as tears started stinging the corners of her eyes.

"What am I going to do?" she asked no one in particular, tears finally starting to fall from her green eyes as the shock of what had just happened started to wear off. "I hit a doctor in front of three security guards, I've probably just lost my job, not to mention any chance of ever seeing Houjun again, and I can't even think straight at this point. What do I do?" 

She bowed her head in sorrow, taking Houjun's hand in hers and softly passing her thumb over his fingers. Tears slipped down her face and fell onto her shirt as she cried helplessly. 

All of a sudden, a hand was placed hesitantly on her shoulder. "Hey, it's alright. You don't hafta cry…" 

Hana slowly raised her head and looked into the sympathetic face of Max, one of the guards that had been holding Houjun. "And how exactly is everything going to be okay?" she asked miserably "In case you don't know the rules here, what I just pulled back there is grounds not only for the union to fire me, but for charges of assault and battery as well."

"Don't you worry 'bout that." the man told her, pushing his fiery bangs out of his eyes and sitting down next to Hana. "As far as I'm concerned, it never happened."  

Hana looked at him incredulously for a second, and then her eyes turned somber again. "You weren't the only one there. Those other two, Tom and the blond guard, they'd testify against me…I'm as good as dead once the doctor recovers."

"Tom and Mikey?" the man exclaimed, a fanged grin starting to make its way across his face. "They're as likely to defend Johnston as I am. Why d'you think we helped ya after we saw you knock him out? By all rights we shoulda arrested ya, but we know what he's _really_ like. Hell, I'd bet two years' pay that Houjun here was provoked into hittin' the doc in th' first place."

Hana nodded then shook her head in confusion. "W-what are you telling me?" the nurse stammered, a faint glimmer of hope starting to show on her face "I-I don't understand…How could you know that?"

"I've seen it before." Max told her, shaking his head bitterly. Hana still looked totally bewildered so the guard went on. "Lemme explain it to ya." He paused for a second, trying to think how he could make things clearer for Hana, took a deep breath then started up again. "Y'ever hear of a guy named Quincy?"

Hana's brow creased in thought and she passed a hand over her eyes. "Vaguely, he's the one up in Disturbed, right? He's barely conscious half the time and when he is, he's screaming bloody murder about shock therapy and bad doctors."

Max nodded. "That's the guy. Anyway, ever wonder how he got that way? Ever ask Johnston about it?" 

"Once, but he said he was busy and changed the subject." Hana told him. "I was new in the field then, so I thought it was a confidentiality issue. After that I never bothered to ask again."

"Probably one of the best things you coulda done." Max said grimly. "Once Johnston's got y'on his shit list, you're on it fer good. Anyways, that's a whole other story. Now Quincy, he was another one like Houjun here. Di'n't talk, bad past…everythin'. Except, ol' Quince, he wasn't afraid of nothin'! He was smart too, could tell a liar from a saint from fifteen leagues off. That's why he never let Johnston get too close, knew he was a cunning bastard from the start. One day, the doc's in here tryin' to get a needle in Quince's arm, and the guy goes nuts! Quincy pulled out a pen and started tearin' Johnston t'pieces! Well, I was just startin' out back then an' I happened to be in the hall when it happened. Johnston was screamin' like you wouldn't believe! "That's right you pedophile!" he was yellin' "Kill another why don't you? Or am I not young enough to be your next victim? Should I bring in a little girl so you can take advantage of her then kill her like you did your daughter?"." 

"I couldn't move for shock an' suddenly all these guards were pushin' me inside. I'll spare ya th' details, but tell ya this much, it was just Quincy's bad luck that EST was still legal for severe cases in seventy-three..."

Hana sat listening in wide-eyed horror as Max described the electroshock therapy process to her and how it had affected Quincy's brain functions.

"He's no more'n a breathing corpse now." Max finished somberly. "I'll never forget that day, an' I don't think anyone else will either."

"But you said that happened in the seventies," Hana protested, halfway between disgust and tears "The other two looked like they couldn't be a day over twenty, thirty at best! _They wouldn't remember that!"_

"Aren't you s'posed t'be smart?" the guard asked teasingly. "D'you think Quince is Johnston's only victim?" He turned serious and looked pointedly down at Houjun. "You'd be surprised at the shit that goes on around here.  No one ever says anythin' 'cause we're all waitin' for the right time, but I swear, when that time comes…" Max punched his right fist into the palm of his left hand. "We'll get that asshole but good…"

Hana cut the man off before he could work himself further into his fit of rage. "So, do you mean to say that if something _does happen to me, I'll have people ready to defend my case?"_

Max nodded. "Yep. Me, Tom, Alex, Mikey…there's about thirty of us all together. Mike even got us a recording of the good doctor 'helping' one of his patients. That's class 'a', top priority secret though, so keep your mouth closed about it."

"You can count on me." Hana said firmly. "Besides, you're right. What's the worst that can happen? I get my doctrine in two day's time, so I'll be right under Johnston for seniority since he only got his full license two years ago and if he takes this to a higher court, I'll tell the judge that I acted in defense of my patient and that I have proof to support my claims."

The guard beside her laughed, his fangs once again poking over his bottom lip. "That's the spirit kid! Go down fightin'!"

Hana's determined expression faded at these words to be replaced with a faraway, fearful one. "I won't go down, will I?" she asked, not really asking Max but needing to ask the question out loud. "Because if I do, I'll just die!" Her hand tightened around Houjun's and the nurse bowed her head again. "If I lost the right to see him, I don't know what I'd do! I care for him so much it almost hurts!"

Reassuring hands took hold of Hana's shoulders and gave her a little shake. "Hey, I toldja it'll be alright, didn't I? Nothin's gonna happen, you'll be his doctor for real soon and you'll get to see Houjun whenever you want to. It'll all work out. Just trust me, okay?"

Hana nodded and brushed tears off her face again. "I guess it's all I can do for now." She said softly.

The two sat in silence for awhile, Hana staring pensively at the floor, reaching down every so often to stroke Houjun's chestnut bangs, Max toying nervously with his shirt then Hana broke the silence. 

"I should really get him off this cold floor…" she said to herself. "I don't want him getting sick on top of everything else." 

The tiny nurse tried to lift Houjun's limp body but failed miserably, only managing to lift his upper body. She sighed softly, a dull throbbing starting to make its appearance in her head, and tried again. This time Max's strong arms slipped under hers and carefully took Houjun from her arms to bring the young man to his bed. Hana smiled gratefully at the guard as she came up behind him to pull the covers over Houjun.

"Thank you." she said quietly, looking up into Max's deep amber eyes. "I honestly don't know how to tell you how grateful I am for your help..."

"Well, you could smile." Max said casually "That's always a nice way to say 'thanks'."

Hana laughed and gave the guard her best smile. She turned back to look at Houjun's pale, tear-streaked face and her smile faded to be replaced by a worried frown. She put a hand to the young man's forehead and checked his vital signs with the other. She let out a defeated breath and sat down on the floor, near the head of the bed so that she could keep an eye on Houjun as well as sit down. 

Max dropped to the floor a little ways off and watched her. After awhile he said, "He really _does_ mean the world to you, doesn't he?"

Hana nodded slowly. "The world and more…" she said faintly. She winced as the pain in her jaw finally registered in her overly-exhausted mind and looked up at the flame-haired guard. "He's my baby, what can I tell you?" she added with a small smile. "My frightened, broken little boy and at the same time my brave young man with the gentle touch and oh-so-tender heart. All I want is to help him get better, to help _him see the amazing person so many others can see in him. That's not such a bad thing, is it?"     _

Max shook his head, his eyes becoming strangely bright as he looked back into Hana's sad green eyes. "I think it's a beautiful thing to want…" he answered quietly. 

Another long silence fell over the two and suddenly Max left the room. He came back five minutes later with an ice pack and a box of band-aids. "Here." he said holding the things out to Hana, a faint blush creeping across his cheeks. "Put th' ice on your face an' the bandages on your elbows."

Hana did as she was told and handed the band-aids back to Max. "You're a godsend, did you know that?" the nurse laughed wearily, pressing the soothing cold of the ice against her throbbing jaw-line.   

Max grinned at her. "Anythin' for a lady in trouble." he said in a mock-chivalrous tone. He looked closely at the woman in front of him for a minute then declared officiously "You have another cut. Right here" The guard took one of the small, elastic band-aids out of its packaging and placed it gently over Hana's left temple. "There. Now you're all patched and ready to make the world a better place!" 

Hana shook her head in amusement and gave Max a small smile. The nurse's brow creased in thought for a second then she turned a questioning look on Max. "I just thought of something," she said slowly. "How come you and the others let go of Houjun so easily after I hit the doctor? I mean, you couldn't have seriously believed I'd break Tom's arms-just look at his size compared to mine! It was like a terrier challenging a saint-Bernard!"

Max laughed out loud at Hana's accurate imagery. "Yeah it _was kinda stupid of ya." he agreed "We knew ya couldn't do any real damage, but we did know what kinda damage __we we're causin'." Max's face went deadly serious and a shadow seemed to pass over his middle-aged face. "Never heard a man scream like that in all my years…" he said softly "He was so scared, man those tears on my arms and him shakin' in my hands. He was fightin' so hard t'get loose… I was gonna let him go at one point, save him the sufferin' y'know? But Johnston was there and he'da made me pin him down again, so I couldn't, an' after ya knocked the doc out, I guess we figured that since Johnston wasn't a problem anymore it was safe to let him go. I mean it's not like he was in any condition t'do any damage…" Max trailed off suddenly then shook his head to clear it. An impish grin spread over his face and he looked sidelong at Hana. "'Sides, I didn't wanna be on the business end of one of your punches! I mean damn! Who'da thought a sweet-lookin' kid like you could hold down a guy twice your size, go after three trained security guards __and knock out a grown man, all in twenty minutes?!"_

Hana blushed as Max listed her actions on his fingers. "Well, to tell the truth, a sweet looking kid like me _couldn't have done all those things." she admitted._

"What're ya talkin' about? I saw ya do it!" Max cried in indignation "You're not tellin' me I was imaginin' it all 'cause I don't buy that!"

Hana shook her head. "I'm not saying that." she said, folding her hands in her lap and looking up at Houjun's unconscious form. "I'm saying that I couldn't have done those things if it wasn't for him. I told you, he's my baby; I can't help but do stupid things when it comes to protecting him. It's like I lose my mind…I don't understand, but at the same time I'm not afraid either. It's like my determination to save him gives me the strength to do whatever needs doing… Like when I turned my back on all three of you guards minutes after I'd attacked you. I could easily have been subdued or arrested with my back turned like that, but somehow I found myself not caring…" The nurse looked up at Max in frustration. "Am I making _any sense here?"_

The guard thought for a second then nodded slowly. "Yeah…" he replied, voice pensive and full of something close to wonder "Yeah, you make a lot of sense, and I know exactly what you're talkin' about. You love him, that's all."

"Wh-what?" Hana stammered in shock. " What do you mean 'I love him'?"      

The man's brow creased as he tried to explain what he felt. "You know, love. Not romantic love, just… just regular love. Like Houjun's your little brother or something…Just…well… you know." The guard threw his hands up in defeat. "Great, now _I_ sound like a schizo!"

Hana's brow knit in thought and she shook her head absently. "No, no you've got the right idea. I do love him; I've always known it but could never quite bring myself to believe it …" 

"Why?" Max asked curiously "What's so hard about admitting you care for someone?"

"Nothing," Hana said quickly "It's not hard to admit I care, but saying I _love_ someone…that's a different story." 

"Why is it so different?" Max persisted "Isn't saying 'I love you' the same as admittin' you care? I mean, caring about someone is only a few steps away from lovin' 'em, isn't it? "

Hana shook her head. "It should be. I mean, for most people it is, but for me it's different." She cut herself off and lowered her eyes in embarrassment. 

Max gently put his hand under her chin and lifted her face, giving her a questioning look. "Why is it so different?" he repeated quietly. 

Hana pulled away from him and stared at the floor for a second before continuing. "Because I forgot how." the nurse told him in barely more than a whisper. "There've been people I care for, people I would have given my life for, but whenever I admitted I loved them…I lost them. So-so I push everyone away from me before I can love them. That way the only one who loses it all is me…"

"So you had a few bad experiences." Max said softly, "That doesn't mean every experience is gonna end in tears. You have to believe in the essential fairness of the universe, have to have faith that it'll all work out." Max heaved a frustrated sigh and looked up at the still young man above them. "Look at Houjun! Think about how many tears he must've cried, how many times that heart has been broken, how many times he must have had to climb out of the broken pieces of his life! Now think about this; Does that stop him from trusting you? Does he let all that heartbreak stop him from caring about _you_? 'Course not! He knows what he's lived through, can probably count all the times his heart's been shattered, and he doesn't know what'll happen if he shows he cares any more than you do, but he still trusts you! He trusts you to take care of him because he knows deep inside himself that if he never gives anyone a chance to help him, he'll never be saved, knows that if he doesn't pick up the pieces and move on he'll never get better. If even he can realize there are times you have to trust in the essential good of a person, then surely you can."    

Hana sat there for a minute, totally shocked at Max's insight and wisdom. The young woman shook her head and looked up at the guard. "For a man who sounds like he was raised in the backwaters of some redneck town, you really are smart."   

Max laughed. "Thanks…I think. Anyways, I better go. You gotta take care of your boy an' I gotta tell Mikey an' Tom that Houjun's alright. You shoulda seen 'em before, white as new snow an' guilty as a mafia hit man. I betcha' they're almost as scared for him as you are."

"_That's _why they helped me after I threatened Tom!" Hana exclaimed, realization suddenly lighting up her features.

Max nodded and stood up, heading for the door. "Me too for that matter. See ya when I  see ya." With that the young guard disappeared behind the door and Hana was left alone with her thoughts.

A/N: Nice calm, chapter after 7's relatively angsty setting. Hopefully it was a little better but if not I'm sorry. My muse is on Christmas break too, y'see -.-(). *sigh* unions…love ta hate 'em… Anyways I used a new hospital term so there's an explanation below for those of you not psychiatric ward-ly inclined and see y'all next chappy.

Glossary:

EST: stands for electroshock therapy. Basically the process is this: they strap you to a cross-shaped metal table and run thousands of volts of electricity through your skull in the hopes that this will somehow cure your insanity. It was invented in the 30's or 40's and its illegal now in most places, but in some countries is still legal for extreme cases (that's what the chair is, btw, a worse form of EST).

There ya go. Later days,

~Tenshi Kitsune~


	9. Tears, Love, Loss And The Strength To Go...

A/N: Chapter nine is here at last! As usual I own only Hana, the evil doctor and the night/day guards of the hospital. Oh, and there will be some very tough scenes in this chappy so if you're sensitive to that then don't read it. Enough of my rambling and here we go…

 Hana sat with her knees drawn to her chest, her right cheek resting on the ice pack which she had sandwiched between her knee and her chin, trying not to fall asleep. It had been two hours since Max had left and Houjun was still quiet and unmoving, the only sign that he was alive the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Hana closed her eyes as the familiar aching worry came forward in her mind. What if he wasn't okay? What if when he woke up, the usual shine in his eyes had become that same dead look that Quincy had? What if he never woke up at all?

The nurse gave herself an internal shake and opened her eyes. No, she couldn't think like that! She had to trust Houjun to be okay. She needed to believe he would come through this mostly intact. Besides, she knew he wouldn't give up just because things were getting intense, he was stronger than that. And then a tired smile crossed her lips because she not only believed Houjun would make it through, she _knew_ he'd be okay. 

"I hope…" she murmured into her knees, her confidence fading as worry once again pushed its way into her mind. Her tone turned steely. "If he isn't, there's going to be hell to pay, starting with Johnston." Her eyes burned with hatred as she spoke the doctor's name and she clenched her fist around her shirtsleeve. "He'd better pray to every god in existence that Houjun makes it because if Houjun's lost that spark in his eyes…" 

The nurse cut herself off before she forgot what really mattered. She lifted her head and looked up at Houjun again. Still no sign of movement from the young man and the nurse sighed, feeling small and useless as she tightened her arms around her knees. Her eyes threatened to slip shut on her again and she forced herself to keep alert. No matter what she'd been through, no matter how much pain it had caused her, it was only half of what Houjun must have felt. She _had_ to be there when he woke up, _had _to stay awake…had to…  

The young nurse finally lost the battle, her eyes closing and her mind slipping into sleep.

Half an hour later, the young man above Hana sat bolt upright, terror shining in his mahogany eyes as memories flooded his mind. 

"H-hana…" he called shakily, voice rough and quiet. "Hana…" 

Tears started to fall down his cheeks as he pushed himself into the corner where his bed met the wall. Pulling his knees to his chest, he buried his face in the sheets, shaking with fear and whispering Hana's name over and over. Suddenly a hand was placed on his shoulder and Houjun looked up sharply. Hana's green eyes looked back at him, filled with concern and something that looked remarkably like fear. 

The young man's chin trembled as relief washed over him and his eyes flooded with new tears. He flung himself at the young woman, pulling her to him as tightly as he could, but controlling his strength so he wouldn't hurt her. 

She fell backwards a little and sat down hard on her feet which were curled up directly under her, ignoring the soft _crack as her ankle was pushed in a direction it didn't normally bend in, and thanking the gods for the wall behind her. She almost knocked out her front tooth on Houjun's head as his body slammed into hers but she barely noticed all this, because in her mind all that mattered was Houjun. He was alright! He was alright and now so was everything else…_

 The young nurse cupped his cheeks between her hands and lifted his head so she could see his face. "A-are you alright…" she asked hesitantly, afraid of what the answer might be. "Did they hurt you?"

Houjun shook his head and tried to keep the tears from gathering in his eyes so that Hana could get a clear view of them. He managed to keep himself together long enough for relief to show on Hana's face, then broke down again as the memories of what he'd done pushed themselves into his mind again. "I'm sorry!" he cried, pressing his face into the nurse's shoulder as guilt coursed though him and intensified the already searing pain in his heart. "I'm sorry!"

Hana held him close and told him it was alright. "This wasn't your fault…" she told him firmly. "You would never do something like this…That doctor deliberately threw your past in your face to make you angry. It's his fault, not yours." 

Houjun shook his head again and buried his face deeper into Hana's shoulder, digging his nails into his arms and sobbing worse than ever. Hana held him as he cried; gently pulling his hands from his arms and holding them tightly, grateful that the long sleeved pajamas Houjun wore prevented him from cutting into his skin. 

"Don't do that." she whispered, gently squeezing the young man's hands "Don't hurt yourself like that. If the pain gets too bad, just hug me as hard as you can. I'll be your teddy bear, and I promise, you won't hurt me no matter how tight you hold me, okay?" 

Houjun nodded and Hana felt his arms immediately tighten around her, his hold becoming almost painful. Hana could feel tears gathering in her own eyes and she fought to hold them back, knowing that if Houjun felt even a single tear fall from her cheek he would instantly let go of her and she didn't want that to happen. The young nurse wanted to let Houjun cry out all his sadness, wanted to hold him close until the pain had faded from his heart and she'd be damned if she'd let her own stupid tears get in the way. 

The pair stayed like that for a long time, Houjun holding tighter and tighter to Hana as the pain inside him escalated with each passing second, the tiny nurse doing her best not to cry and holding Houjun almost as tightly as she felt all the emotions she'd been holding back and everything she'd been through that day resurface. 

Finally it all became too much for her and Hana shut her eyes, the tears that had accumulated in her green orbs spilling forth and splashing onto Houjun's shirt. It didn't take long for the pearly drops to soak through the thin material of Houjun's pajamas and the young man let go of Hana straight away, just as the nurse had predicted. 

He put a hand under her chin and gently raised the young woman's head, looking deep into her eyes, trying to see what was wrong without actually asking. He bit his lip as Hana flinched when he accidentally brushed the deep purple bruise on her chin with his thumb. He quickly pulled his hand away from her face and reached out with his other hand to cup the young nurse's uninjured cheek in his hand, asking in their silent language if she was alright. 

Hana nodded and covered Houjun's hand with her own. "I'm fine, you didn't hurt me. I was just scared. You have no idea how scared…I thought I might lose you…I-I thought after everything you'd been through, after all that pain and sadness, I thought that this was it! I thought he'd killed your soul! I was so afraid I'd never see your beautiful eyes smiling into mine, that I'd never feel your gentle touch again…Gods, I thought he'd taken you from me!" the nurse's voice finally broke and she pulled Houjun to her in a fierce embrace. "I thought…I thought… Oh, it doesn't matter anymore what I thought! All that matters is that you're here and that you're safe…"

Houjun wrapped his arms around the young woman, putting one hand behind her head and rubbing her back with the other. "I'm sorry…" he whispered, his voice as soft as a child's "I-I'm sorry…I-I never wanted to-to hurt you…I just-and now you- now you know…all of it and…and…" The young man's faltering words broke off on a sob and he pushed Hana away from him, drawing his knees to his chest to bury his face in his arms.

"And what?" the nurse asked gently, trying to get a grip on her emotions so she could help Houjun. "Now I know and what?"

"Y-you know an-and now you'll le-ave m-me too…" Houjun sobbed, his words barely coherent through his tears and shirtsleeves "J-just like sh-she did and…and I-I'll b-be alone again…" 

"Sweetie, you know I'm not going anywhere." Hana soothed reaching out and putting her hand on Houjun's arm. "I'd never leave you alone, how many times have I told you?"

"N-no! It doesn't matter! Y-you're going t-to….you'll leave me alone... b-because… because I'm-I'm not worth saving!" These last words were torn from the young man's throat in an agonized cry. Houjun looked up sharply and his tear-filled eyes bore into Hana's emerald ones. "Don't you realize!? I'm _already_ lost! There is nothing left for me here! I'm destined to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life, why can't you just leave me here and save yourself the heartbreak?!" 

"I am not leaving you alone, no matter what I hear or see!" Hana's words were firm and full of conviction despite the tears that still ran freely down her face. She held Houjun's anguished gaze and took his hands in hers again. "You are worth more than I can ever hope to give you! Do you hear me!? You are _not_ a lost cause! I wouldn't be here if you were! I love you, am _I nothing?" The nurse's voice started to rise as desperation fueled her words. "Does having my heart in your hands mean nothing to you!? Do I bother you that much; do I mean so little to you? Because if I do, if knowing I care for you makes you so unhappy, then I can leave!" Hana felt hot, angry tears flowing down her face and she let go of the other's hands. She turned her head to the side and shook her head bitterly "If all I'm good for is nothing then why should I waste my time?"_

Houjun's face flushed bright red and he shot to his knees. "I never said that!" he yelled furiously, grabbing hold of Hana's shoulders and forcing the nurse to face him. "I never said I didn't love you back! I never told you that you didn't matter, and I never said knowing you care made me miserable! Don't put those kinds of words in my mouth! I care for you more than I've ever cared for anyone! I'd die for you; I'd do anything to see your smile! _Anything_! I'm alive because of _you, I breathe and live and keep fighting for _you_! Don't you know that by now?! Or are you blind like the rest of them? Can't you understand that those words weren't meant for you? Don't you know that I was berating myself?!  Don't you know how much it hurts inside!?" The young man tightened his hold on Hana and shook her hard. "Don't you see it!? Don't you? Don't you understand…Can't you see…"   
It all suddenly became too much and the young man collapsed into Hana's arms as sobs wracking his thin form, making him appear small and vulnerable. "It hurts…" he wept brokenly "Make it stop hurting…Please, just make these memories go away…."_

He felt her soothing arms enfold him and one of her hands came up behind his head while the other pulled him close to her.

"Shhh…it's going to be okay sweetie…" she said softly "We'll make the pain go away, I promise… Just hold on, we'll get through this…"

"You don't understand!" Houjun whispered, turning his face away from Hana's "You don't want to understand! You wouldn't have said those things if you did…you wouldn't have thought I hated you!"

"I never thought that." Hana murmured into his hair "I know how much you love me, I know what I mean to you… and I'm sorry I had to do that, but you have to let the hurt come out. If you keep holding back because you're afraid, none of that pain will ever leave you. It becomes like lead in your heart and you end up forgetting everything…"

"But I don't want to live anymore… I _want to forget…" Houjun's voice had become small and fearful as he clung to Hana's sleeves. "I don't want to remember his face when he fell or that morning I woke up in the hospital surrounded by people I didn't know and I don't want to remember her face when she saw what had happened! I don't want to see Kouran's horrified face or Hikou's pleading brown eyes! I want to forget! I don't want those memories anymore!"_

"I know, sweetheart, but they're part of you." Hana sighed "You need to accept that if you're ever going to get better."

"Then I'll never get better…" Houjun said dejectedly "I can't live knowing I killed my best friend in cold blood…"

Hana gently pushed Houjun away and looked into his pained mahogany orbs. "Was it on purpose?" she asked quietly "Did you actually take him by the hands, bring him to the window and throw him out of it?"                   

Houjun shook his head miserably. "No, but I made him fall…" the young man replied in a dead sort of voice "If I hadn't gone after him with that knife…if I hadn't backed him into the window in the first place… if I hadn't been so stupid, he'd still be alive!" He broke down in tears again and Hana took him into her arms once more. "I almost did it to you too!" he cried guiltily, crushing his face into the nurse's blouse. "I could have broken your jaw with that punch! I could have split your skull when I threw you! If those guards hadn't showed up, I would have killed the doctor too! He's right, I'm a murderer! I'm not human, just a monster! A coldhearted, murdering monster!"

"That's not true and you know it." Hana told him. "None of that was your fault, that evil man pushed you to that state."

"I should have been able to hold myself back!" Houjun protested his sobs becoming even more devastated. "I should have been able to stop myself from doing that to you!"

"And I should have controlled myself too." Hana countered "I could have killed Johnston when I threw him, but I didn't. I could easily have broken both our necks when I pulled you backwards, could have made Tom slip with that needle and stick you or me, could have gotten myself killed trying to restrain a man three times my size, but I didn't did I?" Hana sighed heavily and again drew Houjun back to look up into his tear-soaked face. "You see? It isn't what _could have been that matters, it's what actually __did happen. You can live your whole life wishing certain things were different, but they'll always stay the same so long as you don't at least try and change them."  _

"But what if you can't?" the young man asked desperately, his voice childlike and pleading. "What if you _can't change them?"_

"Then work with what you have and do the best you can to make it right." Hana answered, carefully brushing a lock of chestnut hair from Houjun's eyes. "You can't bring your friend back, but you can honor his memory."

"How?" came the miserable reply. 

"Think of what would have made him happiest, what he would have wanted for you more than anything." the nurse said gently.

Houjun's brow creased in thought for a second and his eyes slid shut in pain. "I-I can't…" he choked as fresh tears leaked from his eyes. "I can't think about Hikou yet…I-it hurts too much…"    

"Then you don't have to." the young woman said soothingly "When you're ready, we'll work through it but I think you've been through enough today, right?"

Houjun nodded and gave her a grateful half smile. Hana pulled him into a quick hug and then took his hand. "Let's take a walk." she offered, pulling her aching legs out from under her and swinging them over the side of the bed. "Not far, mind. To the nurse's station and back. What do you say?"

The youth nodded again and passed a hand over his eyes. "Just don't let go…" he said quietly. "I-I'm afraid of those people…"

"Have I ever let go before?" Hana asked, giving Houjun a tiny smile of reassurance. "Don't worry, I'll protect you."

The other nodded and he and Hana slipped off the bed. As soon as Hana had gotten to her feet, her left knee gave way beneath her and she would have fallen had Houjun not caught her. 

"What's wrong?" he asked urgently "What happened? Why did you fall? Is something broken?"

"I-I don't think anything's broken…" Hana stammered in confusion "I would have felt it sooner. I - don't know why I fell, but I should be okay now."

Houjun let her go and the nurse swayed unsteadily on her feet. She went to take a step forward, but a sudden pain shot up her left leg and she stumbled again. She found herself in Houjun's strong arms once again and she looked up at him. "I don't know how or why, but I think I twisted my ankle." she told him "Pretty badly too, by the feel of it."

"Then we're not going anywhere." Houjun said firmly "You're staying here and I'm going to get you some ice."

"That _would_ be a good plan," Hana said hesitantly "Except for the fact that I'm not leaving you alone anywhere after yesterday. Besides, I need to make a new patient file for you."

"New patient file?" Houjun asked in confusion. "Why?"

Hana smiled broadly. "Because as of tomorrow at midnight you legally become my patient." the young woman explained. "That means Johnston won't be allowed near you with a ten league pole."

"S-so you'll be my doctor then…" the youth said slowly "I won't have to fend off Johnston and you won't have to hide the fact that you're helping me?"

Hana nodded proudly. "You'll be my first patient."

Houjun's stunned expression split into a joyful grin and the young man lifted Hana into his arms. "You have no idea how amazingly wonderful that is!" he laughed, hugging the nurse close as happy tears spilled from his eyes. "No idea how long I've waited to hear those words! How long I waited to be free, to finally be rid of him! And to know that someone loves me, that someone actually cares enough to try and save me…That's the greatest news of all!"

Hana shook her head amusedly and kissed Houjun on the cheek. "You're really something special, do you know that? Do you realize how amazing you are?"

Houjun blushed and carefully set the nurse on her feet again, supporting her with his hands under her elbows.

"Let's go before everyone leaves. It's nearly eight thirty and everyone's probably about to ready to go home." She caught sight of Houjun's worried frown and squeezed his hand reassuringly. "I'll be fine and so will you." 

Houjun nodded and the pair started for the door, Hana leaning heavily on Houjun's arm and the young man holding tight to Hana's small hand.

A/N: Well it ends here because I'm tired and because it's nearly one am. Hopefully this wasn't as horrible as I think it is and that you people at least mildly enjoyed it. Later days and oyasumi to you all, see ya next chappy.

Later days,

~Tenshi Kitsune~     


	10. The Bitter Taste Of Bloody Tears

A/N: Chapter ten it is and we have a particularly rough chapter today. If you have a weak stomach for descriptions of bloody violence, an aversion to self-abuse and/or are under sixteen, do skip this part. I don't want anybody suing me or kicking me off ff.net because you decided to ignore my warning. As usual I own all of this fic except Houjun, his past, Hikou and Kouran and any other reincarnated seishi. Again, rough stuff ahead so last chance to bail. Now with that out of the way, here we go…

As the nurse and the young man slowly made their way down the hallway, a sudden sense of foreboding started to take hold of Hana. At first the nurse was confused, but as they got closer and closer to the nurse's station the reason for this feeling made itself all too clear. Or rather _himself all too clear; Dr. Johnston was awkwardly making his way down the hall in the opposite direction, leaning a little to the left as he pressed an ice pack to a large purple bruise on his head.  _

Houjun immediately froze in place, cold fear starting to take him over as the doctor got closer and closer. Hana gripped the young man's hand firmly, letting go of his arm in favor of gently laying her hand on his shoulder.

"You'll be fine, just don't listen to anything he says." the young nurse murmured, giving Houjun a small push forward. "Don't let him know he got to you, it's what he wants."

The youth nodded uncertainly and took a hesitant step forward.

"That's right," Hana encouraged him, limping along beside him despite the sharp pain that shot through her with each step now that Houjun was no longer supporting her. "One step at a time. One foot, then the other, one, two…That's it…"

Houjun was beginning to gain confidence in his steps when all of a sudden Dr. Johnston's mocking voice rang through the empty corridors. "If it isn't Hana and Houjun, our resident homicidal duo." he said, his voice full of malice.

Both Hana and Houjun froze in place, Hana glaring daggers at the older man while Houjun clung to the young nurse and nearly trembled with terror.  

"I'm actually surprised to see you two out here." the doctor continued conversationally as he drew level with the two youths "I thought I'd finally succeeded in breaking him…Pity."

This time it was Houjun who had to hold Hana back as the nurse tried to tackle the sneering man before her. "Let me go!" she hissed from between clenched teeth, trying to pull herself free of Houjun's iron grip. She accidentally put all her weight on her twisted ankle and her knees buckled under her as white hot knives of agony raced through her leg. Luckily, Houjun had the presence of mind to catch her before she fell and the nurse hung limply in his arms for a minute, trying to push the pain from her mind.

The doctor laughed contemptuously, his light grey eyes glinting with cruel pleasure. "Stupid girl." He suddenly smirked at Houjun. "At least _you_ did a proper job of it." he said softly, making sure that nobody else could hear him but Houjun and Hana. "If you hadn't taken my bait and hurt her like this, I would have had to find another way of taking her away from you."

It was a good thing for Johnston that Houjun had Hana in his arms, because the spiteful doctor was toying with death. The young patient went scarlet with rage and Hana could feel one fist clenching around her shirtsleeve while the other squeezed her hand so tightly that her knuckles cracked. The nurse looked up at her superior in disgust. "Is this how you gained your status?" she asked, barely managing to keep her voice even as violent anger burned through her. "By taunting people weaker than you and making them your playthings?"

Johnston shrugged. "Why tamper with a winning combination?" he asked voice soft with malevolent joy.

It took everything Hana had not to respond, but she pulled herself upright and pushed Houjun forwards. "Come on." she said shortly "We're leaving. We don't have to stand here and listen to him spout nonsense."

"That's right, leave before you do something else you'll regret." Johnston called after them. "And I'll see you in court about this morning!"

Hana whirled around sharply. "I look forward to it." she shot back, her normally gentle voice full of merciless hatred. "Then we'll see who gets what they deserve." With that Hana gathered the last of her strength and she and Houjun continued to the nurse's station, leaving Dr. Johnston to wonder about the nurse's cryptic last words. 

After a few steps, Hana leaned towards Houjun. "D'you think he's gone yet?" she whispered.

The youth glanced behind them and nodded, some of the anger starting to fade from his cheeks now that the doctor was gone.

The young woman beside him sighed in relief. "Thank god! My foot is killing me!" 

She once again took hold of Houjun's arm and the two went on in silence. Once they'd reached the relative privacy of the nurse's station, Hana pulled Houjun into her office. 

Confused, Houjun gave the young nurse a questioning look. 

The other just looked at him for a second then her face broke into a huge grin. "I'm so proud of you!" she cried, throwing her arms around Houjun's neck and hugging him tightly. "You were perfect!"

Houjun's brows knit in puzzlement and he pulled Hana back so she could see his face. He put his head to one side and Hana laughed.

"That's right, you _don't_ know what I'm talking about, do you?" she asked, halfway between amusement and pride. "I'm talking about you! You were amazing!" she repeated, pulling Houjun to her for a quick hug. "When Johnston was saying all those things to us, I thought one of us would lose it and try to kill him again. Not you mind," the nurse added hastily as Houjun's eyes shifted from questioning to remorseful. "I was more worried that _I'd be the one to…but that isn't important." The young woman was breathless with excitement and finally she let her control slip for a second, hopping up and down on her good foot in sheer delight. "You stood up to Johnston! You just stood there and let him talk, then walked away! You were brilliant!" She took Houjun's hands in her own and looked into his eyes. "You know what that means right?" she asked, her emerald eyes dancing with joy._

Houjun shook his head, still not quite sure what Hana was so happy about, but starting to get caught up in the nurse's excitement.

"It means you're getting stronger!" Hana exclaimed "It means you're finally starting to heal! You're pushing back the darkness and I couldn't be prouder of you!"

The young man's face registered shock for a second and then a tremulous smile started to spread across his face. Happy tears welled in his eyes and he swept Hana off the ground, lifting her in his arms and twirling on one foot, his own soft laughter joining with Hana's. Once they'd come to a stop, he pulled Hana to him and hugged her close.  

Hana returned the hug, letting her own happy tears spill openly down her face. "I knew you could do it!" the nurse cried, holding tightly to Houjun's shoulders and looking up into his tear-filled mahogany eyes "I just knew you'd show me the beautiful soul that lies under all that hurt and sadness one day!"

Houjun's eyes shifted into some emotion Hana couldn't quite recognize and his face turned solemn. "Thank you…" he whispered, his gentle tones thick with emotion "If it wasn't for you, I'd never be where I am now. If it wasn't for you, I'd still be lost and alone…Thank you…" 

The young woman leaned back in Houjun's arms and caught his face between her hands. Carefully she lowered his head and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "I told you the first time I met you," she said quietly, her voice full of conviction and love "All I want is for you to be happy. I will always be there to help you, just call my name and I'll be there no matter what, alright?"

The young man nodded and pulled the nurse to him once more. "And when you need me, I'll be there too…" he promised, giving Hana a light kiss on the top of her head. He put a hand behind Hana's head and she lay her head down on his shoulder, both of them enjoying every moment of peace before they were forced to rejoin the harsh world outside the office door.

After a minute, Hana pushed away from Houjun and looked regretfully up at him. "I hate to break this moment, but I really need to sign those papers. I have a funny feeling that if I don't do it today Johnston'll fix it so that I never can." 

The youth nodded and carefully shifted Hana in his arms so that she was on his back. "Don't want you getting hurt again." he told her in an undertone, not wanting to be heard talking by anyone other than Hana.

The nurse shook her head in amusement. "Big softie…" she teased.

Houjun smiled at her and pulled the door open. He hesitated for a second, then took a step forward and looked at Hana for instruction.

"You're going straight ahead until you see the door marked 'Head Office'." Hana told him "Then you're going left until you get to the secretary's desk. I'll take care of the rest."

The young man followed Hana's instructions and soon they came to the desk and his steps started to falter. He caught sight of familiar fiery red hair and froze completely. 

"What's wrong sweetie?" Hana asked in concern "Who's at the desk?"

Houjun lifted a shaking hand and pointed at the middle-aged man in front of him.

"Oh. You don't need to worry about him." Hana reassured "Max might have acted heartless when he was holding you, but really he isn't that cruel. Johnston had him cornered into doing what he did."

Houjun shook his head skeptically and took a fearful step backwards. Just then, Max looked up and caught sight of the pair. "Hey!" he called, his face splitting into a friendly grin. "Hana! Houjun!"

"Don't move Max!" Hana said sharply as the security guard made to come closer. "You'll send him into an anxiety attack."

Max froze in place, his face going pale and worried. "I-is that 'cause of what happened?" he stammered. "'Cause if it is, I'm so sorry…"

Hana let go of Houjun's shoulders and carefully slid out of the young man's arms. "Partly yes, but mostly it's because Houjun's afraid of strangers." She looked up at the trembling young man beside her. "See? He's not so bad, he doesn't want to hurt you, he's even apologizing."

Houjun swallowed hard and took another step backwards, pulling Hana with him.

Max's face fell and he looked into Houjun's terrified mahogany eyes. "Listen, don't make him stay if he's scared…" the guard said softly "I understand, I mean hell, I'd be afraid too if I was him. Suddenly runnin' into some guy who was holdin' me back when all I wan'ed t'do was hide…tryin' t'put needles in me…" His eyes suddenly got very bright and the older man turned his face away before the other two could notice. "I don't blame ya."

Houjun's eyes went from frightened to sympathetic and he took a step forward. "It's okay…" Hana heard him whisper faintly. "Don't cry…"

"Houjun says it's okay." Hana told Max, sure that the guard hadn't heard Houjun's barely audible words. "He says he doesn't want you to cry. I don't want you to be miserable either." the nurse added softly. She took a shaky step forward and reached out her hand. "Come on, it's alright now. Houjun's not afraid anymore and neither of us can stand seeing you so guilty looking."

Houjun nodded in agreement and took another step forwards. For some reason, now he'd gotten over his initial fear, he felt a special connection with this guard. He held out his hand, his trembling lessening as he felt his heart go out to the repentant man before him.

Max looked up at Houjun in disbelief. "Y-you're actually givin' me another chance?" he asked uncertainly "After everythin' I did to you, you're willin' t'give me another chance?"

Houjun paused for a second, thinking over his reply, before nodding his head firmly and giving Max a solemn look. 

The older man stared at Houjun for a second, uncertain of what he should do or say, then cautiously inched his own hand forward and took hold of Houjun's. Hana smiled softly as she watched the two exchange tentative smiles.

Max let go of Houjun and clapping his hands together in a businesslike manner. "So what brings you two out here t'the remotest corner of th' hospital?" the guard asked, his previous seriousness replaced by a warm, cheerful tone.

"I need a patient file." Hana explained, a wide grin spreading across her face. "I finish my residency tomorrow and I'm taking Houjun on as my first patient."

Max let out a low whistle. "I'm impressed." His brows knit in confusion and he gave Hana a questioning look. "Wait a sec, didn't ya tell me you were gettin' your doctrine?"

"I am, except this time it'll be the real thing." Hana replied proudly. Both Max and Houjun looked utterly lost, so the nurse explained. "What I mean is, I had my certificate before, but I never considered myself a true doctor. What good is a doctrine when you aren't certified to practice? As of tomorrow though, I'll be legally able to take on patients."

 Max nodded, still looking slightly bewildered. "Okay… I s'pose that makes sense, sorta..." He went back behind the desk and started punching data into the computer. "So are we transferring Houjun's file directly from one doctor's care to yours or is it a brand new one?" 

"From Johnston's care to mine." Hana said firmly, a note of steel creeping into her voice as she said the doctor's name.

Max nodded and entered the information into the computer system. He stared at the screen for a second then looked back at Hana, his amber eyes dark with some emotion Hana couldn't quite place. "Uh, y'_do has permission to do this right?"_

The young nurse nodded, then turned sheepish. "Well technically _no_, but I'm going to get it tomorrow." she answered apprehensively. "Can't we find a way to override the system until I get permission?"

Max looked from Houjun to Hana then shook his head uncertainly. "Pro'bly, but I'm not too sure…" The guard gazed intently at the computer screen as his fingers danced across the keyboard. Finally, he found the loophole he'd been searching for. He gave Hana a triumphant grin. "Okay, here's what I can do. I can make you a temporary file then tomorrow we'll make it permanent. How's that sound guys?"

Houjun beamed at the redheaded guard and squeezed Hana's hand in excitement. He was nearly free, just a few more hours and he would be Hana's patient! He'd never have to deal with Johnston again if he didn't want to!

Hana smiled up into the young man's sparkling mahogany eyes. "Happy?" she asked fondly, feeling a light, joyful bubble starting to rise inside of her. 

Houjun nodded fervently, his normally sorrowful features shining with contentment, and gave Hana a quick one armed hug. 

Just as it seemed that everything was finally going to be alright, Max looked up from the computer screen with shock written on his pale face. "Hana…I-I don't know how t'say this but…" the guard trailed off, words failing him as he felt himself overcome with sadness.

"But what?" Hana urged, her own features starting to crease in worry. "What's wrong?"

Max shook his head slowly. "I-I can't make the file." he told the nurse apologetically. "Your full license is being withheld until you're cleared of all charges placed against you.  You can't take anybody on as a patient until after the hearing…I'm sorry"

Hana looked up at Houjun's devastated face and into his disbelieving mahogany eyes then turned a pleading gaze on Max. "There has to be _something_ you can do! Anything…"

The guard shook his head sadly. "Wait, it gets worse. As of today, you're not allowed to be within fifty feet of Houjun because you pose a potential threat to his safety…" 

Hana's face paled and tears started to gather in her emerald orbs. "No…" she whispered in shock "Th-this isn't happening…After everything Houjun's had to go through-after everything we lost and gained, after all that…To come to this…Please tell me you're not serious! Tell me this isn't happening!" Tears spilled down the small nurse's cheeks and she tightened her grip on Houjun's hand. "I can't lose him now…"

Meanwhile, Houjun had gone completely white, his breaths coming in short gasps as he fought to keep his legs from collapsing under him. He shook his head, feeling as if his very soul had been torn from him, and looked down into Hana's tear-filled green eyes. 

"I can't…" she heard him whisper before he dropped her hand and bolted back down the hall.

"Houjun!" she cried in alarm, starting after the distraught young man. A hand took hold of her arm and Hana felt herself being held back. "Let go!" she shouted "You don't understand! I have to go after him!" 

"You can't!" Max exclaimed. "You'll lose him forever!"

 Hana shook her head in frustration, willing the other man to understand and tugging urgently against Max's iron grip. "Let go!" she repeated, giving the guard a look so intense that he actually shrank back a little. "His life is on the line!" 

Max's eyes widened and he immediately released his hold on the other's arm. "Run!" he yelled.

Hana hardly heard him as she tore down the empty hospital hallways. As she rounded a corner, her twisted ankle gave way beneath her and she fell forwards onto the hard marble floor, her hands automatically shooting out in front of her to break her fall. Feeling her body sliding across the smooth tiles, she closed her eyes as a wall sped towards her at an alarming rate. She waited and tensed herself for the impact, but it never came. The small nurse stopped just short of hitting the sharp corner at the far end of a doorframe with her head. The young woman's eyes flew open and for a second she just stared at the wall in front of her, trying to stop her heart's furious throbbing and the trembling in her legs.   
A sudden crash resounded through the silent halls and a wave of terror shot through Hana's entire being as she shoved herself to her feet, ignoring her body's screaming protests. 

"Don't you dare!" she prayed, tears flying behind her as she pushed herself to go faster "Don't you dare try it again…"

She burst into Houjun's room and screamed at the sight that awaited her. Houjun was sitting on his knees in the middle of the room, a broken glass on the floor next to him, with a bloodied shard in one hand, trembling and sobbing uncontrollably. His shirt was torn at the left shoulder, blood running freely from a deep gash made in the pale skin and his right arm sported a series of slashes down his inner arm. Both his knees were stained crimson and as Hana ran to him he deliberately slammed the jagged piece of glass into his left arm and started dragging it downwards, leaving behind a river of blood.

"Stop it!" Hana yelled, grabbing hold of Houjun's hand and pulling it away from his arm. "There are better ways Houjun! You can't keep doing this, it isn't right!"

"Who are you to tell me what's right?!" the young man demanded defiantly, clenching his fist around the shard in his hand. "What do you know about anything!?"  

Hana could feel anger born of intense fear mounting inside of her and she tightened her hold on Houjun's wrist pressing her thumb into the other's wrist, right below the main bone in his hand. The pressure of her hold forced Houjun's hand open and he dropped the shard, blood flowing down his arm and onto Hana's. "Who am I?" she repeated softly, her green eyes dark with emotion and tears. "I'm someone who loves you! I'm someone who promised they'd keep you safe, someone who will never give up on you!" 

"Get the hell away from me!" Houjun screamed his eyes alight with panicked anger, taking a swing at the tiny nurse with his left hand as he tried to wrench his right one from Hana's firm grip. "Let me go dammit! If you ever loved me you'll let me die, you'll let this blood wash away my pain and you'll let me die! You'll let me end this misery!"

"Houjun, it's _because _I love you that I won't let you do this!" Hana said her voice full of anguish and fear as Houjun's blood slowly trickled down from his hand to her arm. "You can't do this to yourself! Don't you see? It doesn't make it better when you cut yourself, it just brings more pain!"

"The hell it does!" the other snarled, trying to jerk his hand out of Hana's "Let me go you selfish little sadist!"

"I won't!" the nurse cried, her tears coming faster then ever now. "Not until you show me you won't cut yourself again!" 

 Houjun pulled at the hand that held him and fisted his left hand, drawing his arm back as if to take another swing at Hana. "Dammit let me go! I'll kill you!"

"No you won't." Hana said flatly, staring intently into Houjun's raging mahogany eyes.

Houjun's eyes glowed with an insane kind of light and the dark orbs narrowed dangerously. "I'll do it in a heartbeat!" he shot back, his left hand flying towards the broken glass next to him.

The small nurse holding him surprised the youth with her speed as she grabbed his other hand as well. "No, you won't." she repeated, her voice still eerily calm despite Houjun's increasingly violent outbursts. "First of all, I won't let you. Second, I know you better than that…you wouldn't be able to."

"You don't know anything about me!" Houjun howled, yanking his hands towards himself with all his strength. "You don't give a damn about me! You just want to one up Johnston! All I am to you is a tool to gain status!"

Hana fell forward with the force of Houjun's pull on her and her chin hit the rough cement floor with a _smack,_ adding crimson to the impressive array of colors already showing on her face from her previous injuries. Luckily, she had missed the broken glass that lay all around her, but the solid stone floor was no better. Fresh tears welled in her eyes and she pulled herself back up, tightening her grip on Houjun's hands even more. Her green orbs bored into Houjun's mahogany ones and, for a moment, she looked as if she were going to yell something back at the sobbing, struggling young man before her. Finally, she couldn't stand it any longer and she tugged back on Houjun's hands so that he fell into her arms, dragging him backwards and away from the glass. Quickly wrapping her arms around him so that he couldn't hit out at her, she pulled the youth upright and buried her face in his blood-stained shirt. 

"Please, try and understand…" she wept brokenly, drawing the young man close. "I love you more than anything in this world! You're everything to me; I can't lose you this way! I won't let you hurt yourself like this…_I won't_! S-so please understand why I'm doing this…Please, just try to understand…" 

Houjun's frantic eyes softened a little at the sight of Hana sobbing helplessly with her face buried in his shoulder and he clenched his fists as the pain inside of him escalated.    He screwed his eyes shut, his breaths coming in short, fast gasps as tears ran down his face. "H-hana…I-I can't do this anymore…I-it hurts!" he sobbed haltingly "It hurts, I just want to die! Make it stop! Just let me die! Please…just let me bleed to death…" 

The young man again tried to wrench his hands out of Hana's strong grip but the young nurse held tight.

"I won't!" she repeated her voice firm despite the tears that made it waver "I know you can make it through this, you _are strong enough! And even if you aren't, together _we're_ strong enough! Just talk to me, tell me what's wrong! If you let me know what hurts so much, I can help you fix it!" She pushed Houjun back a little and looked deep into his agonized gaze. "You're not alone in this anymore!" she told him, her green eyes pleading with him to understand "You don't have to bear this alone; I'm here for you…no matter what."_

Houjun shook his head stubbornly, refusing to listen to Hana's words. "No you're not! You're not allowed to be!" he cried in anguish "They'll take you away from me and I'll never see you again! I'll be trapped in this hell until I die and don't tell me otherwise because it isn't true!" 

Houjun cut himself off as awful realization dawned on his face and opened his eyes again. His face suddenly changed; his eyes went wide and fearful, the tears streaking down his face redoubling and his chin starting to tremble violently. All of a sudden, the desperate, enraged young man was transformed into a sobbing, terrified little boy. "I'm going to be alone in here forever…" he whimpered pitifully, trying to take hold of Hana's sleeves and failing. "I'm going to be lost in the darkness and nobody's going to care…" He bowed his head, shoulders heaving as he sobbed miserably. "No one's going to come save me once you leave…"

The young nurse holding Houjun lifted his hands with hers as she cupped his chin in her hands. "If I let go, will you hurt yourself?" she asked quietly, her voice deadly serious.

Houjun shook his head solemnly, looking at Hana with such sadness and pain in his eyes that the nurse felt her heart break for him.

"D'you promise?" she pressed, staring intently into the troubled whirlpools of emotion that were Houjun's eyes. "You won't cut yourself again?"

Again Houjun shook his head and dropped his gaze to his blood-stained hands. "I promise, just let me hold you…I- I need to feel your arms around me…I-It makes me feel safe…"

Hana smiled a little and let go of the other's hands. "Can you wait just a little bit though?" the nurse asked, giving the rapidly spreading pools of scarlet on Houjun's arms and knees a worried look. "I have to patch you up or else you'll pass out, okay?"

Houjun nodded reluctantly and held out his right arm, the one with the most injuries on it.

"There's my brave boy." Hana said encouragingly, reaching around Houjun to get at the first aid kit tucked under the night table. "I promise. I'll make it quick and then you can hold me for as long as you want." Hana set the kit down beside her and held out her left hand. "If you want to, you can hold my hand until I'm done."

Houjun looked at her for a second, a thousand different feelings and thoughts swirling through his mind, then slowly took the nurse's hand in his. Hana felt new tears stinging the corners of he eyes and she kissed Houjun's hand, laying her cheek on the back of his palm. "I came so close to losing you again…" she whispered closing her eyes and letting two tears slip down her cheeks. "I was so scared that I wouldn't make it this time…"  

She pulled the young man to her again and for a long time the two stayed that way, holding tightly to each other, one in relief and fear the other needing to feel the safety of a loving touch.

A/N: And so it ends because Tenshi is dead tired and needs to buy a camera (yes, I'm buying a camera at one am. _Stupid Ebay and it's twenty four hour bidding rules!) Sorry if this made anyone cringe or cry or something and you now hate me for it, but I had to write the chapter this way. First of all, my muse wouldn't have it any other way and secondly, this is based on real people who suffer from real problems like this. If it seems harsh, I'm sorry but this is the real world and in the real world when they see no other alternative and the pain becomes too intense to bear, this is how some people sooth their shattered souls. Scary I know, but it's true. So on that rather dismal not I leave you all until next chapter,_

~Tenshi Kitsune~          


	11. In The Dark, There Shines A Light

A/n: And it's chapter eleven. Hopefully it won't be as horribly angsty as last chapter but I make no promises. As usual I own only Hana and the guards/doctors and this story, but nothing or no one else. Also as usual, warning for emotional scenes and slight darkness. To the chappy then… 

The two stayed that way for a long time neither wanting to let go, fearful that the other would somehow disappear as soon as they let each other go. Finally, Hana forced herself to let go of Houjun. Shaking her head to clear it, she turned her attention back to Houjun's injuries. She cleaned the blood off the young man's arm and saw that the damage was worse than she had first expected. The limb was a mess; in some places Houjun had cut himself so deeply that it was almost as if he'd had been trying to slice parts of his arm off. Long gashes ran up and across his forearm while a fresh trail of blood slowly trickled from a bad slash on his upper arm. 

Hana winced and looked up at Houjun. "This much?" she asked quietly "It hurts this much?"

Houjun nodded, his face shifting back into the eighteen year old's haunted features. "More…"   

Hana closed her eyes briefly and shook her head as she started to bandage the youth's arm. "If I knew how, I'd make it go away…" she said softly, tears still making their way down her cheeks as she carefully bound the slash on the young man's shoulder with surgical tape to stem the rapid flow of blood. "I'd make this suffering end and I'd heal your heart so that it could never be broken like this again!"

"I know…" the other whispered. "It's okay…" He flinched as a sudden stab of pain lanced through him as Hana secured a bandage around his upper arm.  

The nurse stopped what she was doing and looked up into Houjun's distant mahogany eyes. "Next time it hurts like this, tell me okay? We'll talk it out." she told the young man, her voice soft and full of sorrow. She lowered her gaze to the floor, tightening her grip on Houjun's good hand. "I don't want to have to see you hurt like this okay? I don't want to lose my boy…Not like this…"

The young man nodded shortly and for a while all was silent as Hana solemnly finished patching Houjun's arms and knees. The youth stayed still and quiet, watching the nurse as she took the palm of his right hand in the palm of her left. Hana started to wrap another bandage around a square of gauze padding that she was pressing into his palm and Houjun closed his hand around her fingers for a second as she wound the soft material around his thumb and then behind his hand. Hana paused in her work and looked into Houjun's grave, tear filled eyes. She bent her head and gave the young man another brief kiss on the hand, taking great care not to touch the deep gash set into the other's palm, then turned back to her task.  

Finally the young woman set the first aid kit aside and looked up at Houjun, her eyes shining with new tears. He gave her a weak smile of thanks and Hana tried to smile back at him but instead collapsed into sobs, her face buried in her hands. 

Houjun's eyes softened with remorse, knowing that Hana's grief was cause by his own reckless actions and he pulled the tiny woman into his arms. "Don't cry…" he soothed, holding the nurse close and gently rubbing her back. "It'll be alright…I'm okay now. Please don't cry…"

"I-I'm sorry…" she managed around her tears. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop you from doing this! I'm sorry my incompetence nearly cost you your life! I guess I'm not good enough to save you after all…I-I let you down again! I don't deserve your trust, I don't deserve you! All I'm good for is making you cry…" 

Houjun put a hand under the nurse's chin and tilted her head upwards so he could look into the other's eyes. "Don't say that…" he said firmly, his voice full of guilty regret. "You couldn't have known I'd do this… This isn't your fault and if anyone in this godforsaken place deserves my trust, it's you. You're the only reason I didn't cut my wrists open just now. I didn't want to die before I told you I loved you one last time…" The young man's face darkened with grief and fresh tears started to fall from his eyes. "I wanted you to know…th-that way I could die knowing I did at least _one _decent thing in my shameful excuse for a life…"

Hana shook her head and clenched her fist around Houjun's shirtsleeve. She tried to think of something to say that would reassure the young man, make him see that his life was worth more than he knew, but somehow the words just wouldn't come. She squeezed her eyes shut and bowed her head again as bitterness rose within her. "Gods, even now I'm worth nothing! Even though I'm here, even though all I want to do is take away your pain, I _still_ can't do anything to help you! I _want _to, but I can't! All I can do is cry and make you feel worse than you already do…."

"Hana, listen to me." Houjun tried again, his own voice wavering as he fought to hold back the many emotions fighting to come out of him. "Listen to what I'm saying and try to understand. It is you and _only_ you who keeps me breathing each day. It is for you that I live and for you that I would die." He cupped the nurse's chin between his hands and gently kissed the top of her head. "Just because you can't ease the pain right away doesn't make you useless. You have to know, that right now, having you here with me and knowing you came back to save me…That's enough to make the darkness fade a little. It's enough because, to me, knowing that at least one person gives a damn whether I live or die means the world. Do you understand that? Do you know what it means to a pathetic man like me that you love me?"

The nurse turned her face away from Houjun's caring gaze and passed a hand over her eyes. "I know you love me…" she whispered brokenly.  "I know I mean a lot to you, and you mean the world to me too, but somehow I just can't help feeling like I failed you…Like anything I do isn't what you need me to do…"

The young man closed his eyes for a minute and kissed Hana softly on the forehead. "All I need is your hand in mine and I know I'll be okay." Houjun murmured into the young woman's hair. "All I need is to know you're here with me and I can face anything…"

Hana opened her mouth to reply, but no words would come. She threw her arms around Houjun and hugged him tightly, crushing her face into his shoulder and sobbing helplessly. The young man held the nurse as she cried, letting her release all the emotions he knew she had pent up inside of her. Tears stung at his eyes and spilled down his cheeks as everything he'd been through that day started to surface but he pushed everything back, wanting desperately to hold Hana the way she held him, wanting to make her feel as safe with him as he did with her. After all, what was the point in loving someone if you couldn't, at the very least, hold them and let them cry on your shoulder when they needed to? 

"It's okay…" the young man whispered, gently rubbing the nurse's back. "It's going to be okay, I'm here…"

Hana took a deep breath and pushed away from Houjun to look into his eyes. "I know you are…and that's what makes this life bearable for me." She gave the young man a tired, grateful little smile. "Did you know you saved me? Did you ever imagine that just the light shining in your eyes could heal a broken heart?"

Houjun shook his head in confusion, unable- or perhaps unwilling- to understand what the nurse was trying to tell him. "I-I saved you?" he asked tremulously "Th-that can't be right… I don't know how to save people. I can only destroy them…" Houjun's voice had gone quiet with bitter tears. "That's all I'm good for…"

"Liar." the other accused softly, her green eyes burning into Houjun's deep brown orbs. "If that were true, then I would have been dead long ago."

Houjun's eyes went wide with fear, the tight hold he'd had on his emotions up until then finally breaking. "D-don't say that!" he cried suddenly, grabbing hold of Hana's shoulders as tears streaked down his face. "Don't ever say that! N-not to me…Don't _ever_ say that!  I-I've killed once already and just the thought of-of you…b-by my hands…" The youth's face twisted in agony and he pulled Hana to him in a rough embrace. "Y-you're all I have left…" he choked around the millions of tears pressing down on him and stealing his words. "My one l-last chance…I…can't…lose you…" 

The words had barely trailed off when Hana found herself being held so tightly that she felt her ribs start to crack a little. She carefully slid her hand up to cradle Houjun's head in her left hand as her right moved in small, soothing circles around the youth's back. "You'll never lose me…" she vowed, feeling courage flowing through her as her resolve strengthened. "I'll never let go of your hand until you tell me it's okay… I'm sorry I said that, it was stupid. I never meant to hurt you like this…"

Houjun shook his head and pulled Hana closer. "Why then?" he asked dejectedly. "Why did you say that?"

"Because I didn't think…" the nurse admitted, pearly droplets of water still sliding down her cheeks as sadness flowed through her. "I wanted to prove to you once and for all that's you're worth every tear I cry for you and so much more. I wanted you to know that, even though you might have taken a life, you also saved one. I guess I failed there as well…"

Houjun looked at Hana and swallowed hard. "Y-you'll never fail me…" he managed around sobs. "Not so long as you're here with me and holding my hand…Okay?"

Hana nodded slowly and put her head down in the space between Houjun's shoulder and his neck. "Okay." she agreed quietly.

The two stayed that way for a long time, Houjun slowly calming as Hana continued to hold him and whisper words of comfort every so often. Finally both patient and nurse had stopped crying and they sat together, listening to the faint sounds of each other's breathing.

"I-I'm sorry…" Houjun whispered, finally breaking the silence.

"Wh-what?" Hana mumbled, shaking herself out of her half-asleep state and looking up at the young man who held her. "Sorry for what?"

"I-I'm sorry." the other repeated. "For what I said before… and what I did. I didn't mean it, I just…just…" The youth trailed off, dropping his gaze to the cold cement floor beside him.

"It's okay." Hana said, gently cupping Houjun's cheek in her hand and passing the back of her thumb over his chin. "I know you didn't mean it, I could see it in the tears on your face and deep in those beautiful eyes of yours…"

Houjun put his hand over Hana's and the nurse could feel the smooth material of the bandage around his palm already being soaked through with blood. She frowned and delicately brought Houjun's hand down from her cheek to rest in her left palm once more. The young woman looked worriedly down at the deep crimson stain taking up the better part of Houjun's hand. "Sweetie, I think you're going to need stitches." she told the young man.

The youth inhaled sharply and pulled his hand back a little. "S-stitches?" he repeated shakily. "W-with needles i-in my hand?"

Hana frowned and gave Houjun a questioning look. "What's wrong?" she asked uncertainly. "Are you afraid of needles?"

The young man offered no reply, just kept staring at his injured hand. He raised his head after a second and nodded hesitantly. "Bad memories…" he said in a barely audible voice, pulling his hand back from Hana. He cast his gaze to the side, seeming to fall into his own world as he gently cradled the bloody limb in his arms.  

The young woman sighed and closed her eyes momentarily. When would it ever stop? she wondered. When would the pain ever leave him? Why was it always so hard for him to just keep breathing…Her eyes slid open and Hana took Houjun's hands in hers, careful to avoid any sudden moves for fear of worsening any of the cuts that ran up his arms.

"It's okay. I don't have to use needles." she reassured, tracing tiny circles on the knuckles of the other's uninjured hand. "From what I saw, the cut isn't _too_ deep." She pulled the bandages off Houjun's hand with great care and cleaned the blood off his skin once more. The young woman pressed a clean cloth to Houjun's hand and held it in place until the steady trickle of blood stopped itself. 

The nurse examined the cut and nodded to herself. "It's not that bad," she said at last, looking up into Houjun's anxious mahogany eyes. "Nothing a bandage and a butterfly won't fix."

"Butterfly?" the youth asked in confusion "How will that stop the blood?"

"Well, all we really need to do is close the cut so the skin can heal." Hana explained as she pulled out the first aid kit again. "What I'm going to do is make a butterfly bandage and put it over the cut." She cut a length of tape and lightly folded it in half. Cutting two small triangles off either side of the strip, the young nurse proceeded to fold in the center of the tape forming a butterfly shaped bandage. "See?" she continued as she gently placed the strip across Houjun's palm. "It's called a butterfly because of its shape and what it does is seal the cut so that the skin can heal." The young woman cut another strip of tape and repeated the process. "It works just like stitches, only you don't have to sew the cut."

Houjun nodded weakly, watching as Hana started to wrap a soft cloth around his hand. He sighed wearily, blood loss combined with the intense emotions that had raged through him that day robbing him of his energy.

Hana tied the last knot on the cloth she'd been binding Houjun's hand with and carefully climbed out of the young man's lap. "I should let you sleep." she told the other, getting to her feet and reaching out to Houjun. "You're probably exhausted after all you had to go through today."

Houjun nodded again and took her hands. Hana pulled him to his feet, holding him be the wrists so that she wouldn't put pressure on any of his injuries guided him to the bed, waiting until he had gotten under the covers before sitting down on the edge of the bed. She looked down at the young man and gave him a tiny half-smile. 

"It'll be okay…" she whispered, reaching forwards and tenderly brushing the back of her hand over Houjun's cheek.

"I hope it will…" came the faint reply. The young man looked up into Hana's green eyes, his own mahogany orbs filled with sadness, and took her hand. "Because I can't lose you…"

"You won't. I'll be here for you for as long as you need me to be." she said, tracing small circles on the back of Houjun's hand. The tiny nurse reached forward to brush back his chestnut bangs and kissed him lightly on the forehead. "You'll see it'll all work out in the end…"

Houjun's eyes started to slip closed and he felt sleep trying to drag him under its spell. He blinked back his exhaustion and tightened his hold on Hana's hand a little. He looked at hesitantly at her for a second, then took a deep breath. "C-can you…" he started then trailed off, suddenly embarrassed.

"Can I…?" Hana asked softly. "What's wrong sweetie?" 

The young man pulled in another deep breath, pushing away the waves of sleep that were washing over him, and went on. "C-can you…stay with me?" he whispered. "Just for tonight? I-I don't want to be alone…"

"Of course I can." Hana told him, her voice soft with love and compassion.

Houjun nodded and smiled a little, giving Hana's hand a grateful squeeze as his eyes finally slid shut. "Oyasumi…my flower…"

"Until tomorrow, my Houjun…"

With that Hana reached out and carefully turned out the light. She settled herself in the small space between the wall and the edge of the bed, still keeping Houjun's hand in hers, and let sleep claim her at last.

A/N: And so it ends because I want it to end here. Why you ask? You'll see…all I'm gonna say is next chapter is going to be one of my worst in terms of emotions and heartbreak. (At least I hope it will. I'll let you folks decide.) So it's off to start on the next chappy and my English homework for the Kitsune.

Later days all,

~Tenshi Kitsune~             


	12. When Darkness Falls, Despair Shall Follo...

A/N: Well, this is it guys, the beginning of the most dramatic chapters in 'water mirror'. There will be angst and tears and violence, I warn you now. Anyone under seventeen/anyone who's really sensitive to that stuff, leave now. As usual I only own Hana, the guards and the evil doctor. Now, this's the last time I'm gonna say it: sensitive or under aged people don't read this. And to the chappy we go…. 

The hospital was completely silent the calm, peaceful night outside hiding the turmoil that reigned within. 

Hana was the first to wake, her sobs pulling Houjun out of sleep and making him worry over her for an hour before she finally calmed down enough to tell him she was alright and to go back to sleep. He refused to believe her and Hana found herself recounting her nightmare to him. 

She told him of the black demon and of the endless black voids that had threatened to pull her in and send her spiraling downwards into eternal darkness, of her desperate flight and finally of how the last thing she ever saw before waking was the demon's glowing red eyes burning into every part of her. Houjun pulled her close and told her so long as he was there, the darkness wouldn't claim her and that, if he had to, he would fight it to protect her. Hana gave him a grateful little half-smile, even as new tears gathered in her green eyes, feeling strangely safe in the arms of her young patient and squeezed his hand in gratitude. Houjun gave her a gentle kiss on the top of her head and she put her head down on his chest, letting her eyes slide shut once more.   

Barely three hours later, Hana found herself startled awake by the sound of someone calling her name. She pushed her exhaustion aside and forced her eyes open only to find Houjun curled up in a little ball sobbing and desperately whispering her name. Hana took him into her arms and told him over and over that it was alright, that she was with him and that he didn't need to be afraid anymore. Houjun gradually calmed under her soothing touch and Hana listened as he described the agonizing memories that haunted his dreams. He told her about what he'd done to Hikou and how every night he had to watch again and again as his best friend fell to his death, told her how every night he felt his heart break all over again and how, no matter what he did, the nightmares wouldn't stop and about how all he wanted was to find a way to forget everything. Hana held him until Houjun's anguished sobs had quieted into the soft, even breathing that meant he was asleep once more. 

So it was that the next morning found the two asleep in each other's arms, both being supported by the wall behind them. As the morning light gently filtered in through the window to play across their motionless forms it gave them a peaceful kind of glow, the light making Houjun's soft chestnut locks shine golden against Hana's pale cheeks and giving the young woman an almost angelic appearance. 

The scene was only momentary however as the door of Houjun's room suddenly slammed open and Dr. Johnston stormed in.  

"I knew it!" the doctor cried, roughly pulling Hana off the bed and away from Houjun. "I knew you'd be in here! What do I have to do to get you away from him?!" 

Ignoring the pain that shot through her entire being at the sudden movement, Hana wrenched her arm back from the doctor and put herself between Houjun and the older man. "I'll obey to your authority as soon as it's worth my time." the nurse shot back, her emerald eyes glittering with a cold, hard light. "In other words; there's not a damn thing you can do to keep me from him."

"Really now?" Johnston asked in mock surprise. "And what if I told _you_ there was a way?" He grabbed hold of the young woman's wrist again and pulled her to him so that they were nearly nose to nose. "What if I told you I could break him right here while you watched, helpless to save him?"

Hana kept silent, knowing that if she rose to his taunting she'd be giving Johnston exactly what he wanted. She tried to pull her arm free of the doctor's surprisingly strong grip, but this time his hold on her was too tight.

"No escape this time…" the older man purred, slowly tightening his hold on Hana until he felt her start to struggle in earnest to free herself. "No one's going to come save you…"

Suddenly Johnston felt a hand close on his wrist and he looked up to find Houjun's sparking mahogany eyes burning into his light grey orbs. The youth tightened his hold on the doctor's wrist, driving his thumb into the same spot Hana had used on him. 

The doctor yelped in pain, releasing Hana at once. "You've forgotten, haven't you?" he asked softly, his voice holding a dangerous note to it. "You've forgotten what I can do to you…" 

The doctor reached into his pocket and Hana saw the cold, silver top of a syringe appear in his hand. Houjun jumped back, releasing the doctor's arm as if he'd been burned. His eyes went wide with fear and he started to tremble, slowly backing away from the older man until he was forced to stop because Hana was behind him.

Johnston laughed, slipping the instrument back into his pocket and taking a step towards the frightened youth. "So you do remember…" 

The nurse gently pushed Houjun behind her, putting herself between him and the doctor once more, and stood her ground. "He won't hurt you." she reassured, her voice steely and compassionate all at once. "Not while I'm here."

"Oh you won't be, trust me on that." Johnston cut in, his tones almost conversational as he advanced on Hana once more. "After all, it wouldn't be as amusing if he had someone protecting him…"

The young woman was ready for him. She reached behind her and took hold of Houjun's wrist. "Hold tight sweetie." Hana instructed "If he wants to throw me out, you're coming too!"

The doctor sighed wearily. "You and your heroics." 

He shook his head sadly and then, faster than Hana or Houjun could react, the doctor pulled both of them forwards. Hana fell to her knees as her injured foot gave way beneath her, Houjun catching himself at the last second before he fell on top of her. For a split second they slipped out of one another's grasp and Johnston pushed Houjun backwards before the two could regain their hold on each other. The young man fell backwards and landed with an audible _smack_ on the cold cement floor, his one good hand falling directly onto the broken glass that still littered the floor.

He screamed in agony as searing pain flashed through him, the tiny needles of glass piecing his skin and driving themselves deep into his palm. Hana shot to her feet and tried to run to him, but Johnston grabbed her around the waist and dragged her backwards towards the door.

"Not this time!" he growled from between clenched teeth, pulling the door opened and shoving Hana into the hallway. "This time it's my turn to play!" With that the door slammed shut and Hana heard the soft _click_ that meant the lock was turned.

"Dammit!" she swore, desperately jerking the handle from one side to the other in an effort to force the lock. Her efforts were in vain, however and the nurse knew it. These were specially made locks, designed to withstand even the most extreme amounts of force on them and she could hardly hope to exert the amount of pressure needed to break them. 

"Open, damn you open!" she cried, tears starting to make her way down her face as she heard Johnston's voice from behind the door.

"No where to run now…" the doctor was saying, his voice holding a kind of sick satisfaction in it. "Just you and me…and this."

At these words Hana's eyes widened in fear. What exactly was _this_? And what was the doctor going to do with it? She pulled herself up onto her tiptoes and looked through the small pane of glass set into the top of the door.

The young woman watched as Johnston slowly got closer and closer to Houjun, the needle he'd pulled out earlier now in his hand and poised to strike. The nurse caught her breath on a horrified sob as she saw the silvery liquid held in the needle's barrel gleam in the faint sunlight coming in through the window. It was an antipsychotic, the strongest and often most dangerous form of sedative the hospital could legally use. 

Hana dropped to her feet immediately and redoubled her efforts to force the door open, this time throwing herself against the solid wood as she worked the doorknob, trying to splinter the wood that held the lock in place.

Meanwhile, inside the room Houjun had scrambled around Johnston, trying to head for the door and escape, but Johnston cut him off.

"Don't make this any worse than it has to be." he advised, grabbing Houjun's upper arm and deliberately pressing his fingers into the gashes that ran across it. "We don't want you getting _hurt_…"

The young man's face twisted in pain and he bit down hard on his lower lip to stifle the scream that rose in his throat. He felt something warm trickling slowly down his chin and mix with the tears already gathered there. Johnston laughed in malicious glee and tightened his hold even more. He raised his other hand above Houjun's arm, the loaded needle ready to pierce the youth's flesh with its razor-sharp tip.

Houjun's eyes went wide with panic and he jerked his arm out of Johnston's grip, feeling his injuries being torn open even more as the doctor's fingers pulled the still-healing skin apart. He made to duck around the older man again, but at the last second jumped backwards as he saw Johnston's arm shoot out to grab him again.

"Stop fighting…" the doctor warned, his tones becoming ominously soft "You know it only makes it more painful for you…"

Houjun looked around desperately for something-_anything- _he could use to ward off the doctor backing away towards the opposite wall as he did so, but to no avail. With a growing sense of dread rising within him, the young man knew he was trapped. Even if he did manage to miraculously find something he could defend himself with, how long could it possibly last? Both his hands were handicapped, one having been rendered useless because of the bandages around it and the other being full of fresh gashes, and his arms weren't any better. 

Bracing himself for what he knew was coming, he did the only thing he could think of as he felt his back hit the solid stone wall behind him; he dropped to his knees and curled up in a tight ball, crossing his arms under him and shielding as much of his head as he could with his hands.

Johnston paused for a second, his eyes flickering with pity for a brief moment, and then shifting just as quickly back to sadistic joy as he knelt by Houjun and roughly pulled his right arm out from under him. The young man's forehead smashed against the floor as he was lifted off the ground then dropped again and he tried to pull his arm away from Johnston, his entire being trembling uncontrollably as terrified sobs escaped him one after the other. 

The doctor's smile widened as he felt Houjun give up his weak struggles and he tenderly lifted the other's sleeve up past his shoulder. "Now don't move or I'll miss." he cautioned in mock-concern. 

Houjun tensed as the needle penetrated his arm, just inside the gash in his shoulder, and he hugged himself tightly as he waited for the effects of the drug to wash over him.

He felt arms around him and he was lifted into a sitting position. He quickly pulled his arm back and wrapped it around his knees, burying his face in his knees, muttering faint, incoherent phrases as he felt his heart rate start to quicken and sleep start to tug at the edges of his mind.   

"You see?" Johnston whispered, catching a droplet of blood as it fell from the young man's arm. "This is what happens when you fight, this is what I can do to you…"

The doctor got up to leave when suddenly the door crashed open and three figures burst into the room, one of them knocking him backwards and pinning him to the ground. 

"Hana! Max! Get 'im outta here!" Alex yelled, digging his knee into Johnston's back "I dunno how long I c'n keep this idiot down!"

Hana nodded as she rushed to Houjun's side. "Houjun!" she cried, raising the youth's head and looking into his clouded, unfocused eyes. "Houjun, speak to me, show me you're awake!"

Houjun looked back at her, blinking in confusion, and slowly took hold of her shirtsleeve with his hand. Hana sighed in worried relief and gently put his arm around her shoulder. "You're okay sweetie. We're going to get you out of here…" she told him "Just hold on" 

"Hana! On three pull him up!" Max's voice came from her left as he carefully pulled Houjun's other arm around his shoulders. "Johnston's startin' t'throw Alex off!"      

The young woman nodded and thrust her hand towards Max's behind the youth's back. "He won't be ale to stand, take my hands and lift him!" she instructed "Fast!"    

The guard did as he was told and together they lifted Houjun to his feet, bending his knees and locking their arms under him to form a kind of chair. 

"Run you guys!" Alex yelled urgently, his voice strained as he struggled to keep the doctor pinned beneath him. "He's startin' t'get loose!"

The two younger ones didn't need to be told twice and they ran for the door. 

"Wait!" Hana cried, looking over her shoulder as she ran "What about Alex? That madman's going to kill him!" 

"No he ain't," Max reassured. "Alex is a trained security guard, he may be older n' I am, but he can still kick anyone's ass! 'Sides he's got mace on 'im. Worst comes t'worst, he'll use it and get away that way." the guard continued, pushing open a door with his foot and leading Hana towards a small room to one side. "He'll be fine." 

Hana nodded. "Why did we stop?" she asked breathlessly. "We have to get Houjun somewhere safe!"

"This _is_ somewhere safe." Max told her "It's my room for when I'm on night shift. Here, we've gotta put him down so I can open the door. Hold on tight."

Hana put herself behind Houjun as they gently lowered his feet to the floor, using her body to keep the young man standing and her hands crossed over his chest to prevent him from falling forwards. She felt the rapid beating of his heart and his grip on her sleeve started to weaken as he got heavier and heavier in her arms.

"Too late…" she whispered to herself "He's too far gone, nothing I can do…"

Just as the tiny nurse thought she'd collapse under Houjun's weight, Max turned back to her and took Houjun in his arms. 

"Stay here and take care of him." the guard instructed as he gently lay Houjun down on his bed. "I'll get Alex. Okay? 

Hana didn't answer. She was already checking Houjun's vital signs and trying to see if she could do anything to lessen the effects of the drugs Johnston had injected into the young man.

Max shook his head sadly as he watched Hana bow her head in grief, her shoulders shaking with sobs and her hands trembling as she carefully brushed her hand over Houjun's cheek. He silently backed out of the room, closing the door on the heartbreaking scene.

A/n:  And so it ends for now. For the record, I made up the silvery drug. _It_ probably doesn't exist, but I didn't make up the part about antipsychotic drugs being horribly damaging to you or the after effects. If I got anything wrong, do tell me about it because I'm not a doctor so I don't know about these things but I do want to be precise in what I write. That being said, Whatcha think?! Was I right about this being my worst chappy yet? Or did I just turn myself into a liar? I can take whatever answers ya got, so tell me!

Must go to class now, later days all.

~Tenshi Kitsune~   


	13. The Deepest Cuts Are Those That Leave No...

A/n: Back again and this one's going to be lighter than chapter 12, but it's still darker than most of my other stuff. If you don't like fluffy angst or going deep into a character's mind- this chapter isn't for you. Also, I don't own Houjun or anything else that belongs to the story of Fushigi Yuugi. That being said, here we go…

When Max finally came back to his room twenty minutes later, Alex right behind him, he found Hana carefully placing another butterfly bandage over the gashes in Houjun's other hand and repeatedly passing her hand over her eyes. The guard knocked softly on the doorframe to let the nurse know he was there and she turned.

"It's okay; don't let me stop you from workin'." Max apologized "Jus' didn't wanna scare ya is all."

Hana nodded and gave the older man a tiny smile. "I was finished anyways." she said softly "There's nothing I can do now until he wakes up…"

"We were too late." Alex said heavily, moving past Max and kneeling next to Hana at Houjun's side. "Th' doc got 'im b'fore we could…" The guard's grey eyes softened and he put a hand on Hana's shoulder. "I'm sorry… If I was faster we coulda got there in time…"

Hana shook her head and dropped her gaze to the floor. "It's not your fault." She reassured the older man. "It's nobody's fault but mine…I should have put up a better fight, should have done something more…It's because I'm not big enough or brave enough that he's hurt like this."

"That's a lie!" Max protested, his amber eyes burning with conviction. "If this is anyone's fault it's Johnston's! He's the one that put the needle in, he's the one that made him cry and bleed and he's the one that broke your heart! It's nobody's fault but his because if it wasn't for Johnston, the past two days never woulda happened!"

Hana started to argue back but she suddenly caught sight of Alex's right arm. "What happened?!" she asked worriedly "How did you break your arm?"

Alex smiled ruefully. "Not as young as I once was." he explained "Doc Johnston threw me off an' I landed wrong… Arm wasn't broken then, but I tried t'go after 'im again an' he pushed me back so's he could get out the door. Lost my balance an' hit the table on my way down."

Hana gave the middle-aged man a sympathetic look. "Another innocent hurt because of me…" she sighed, reaching under the bed and pulling out a first aid kit. "It seems I can't do anything without hurting someone these days…"

The young woman felt a strong hand on her cheek and she lifted her eyes to look up at Alex. "Hana, you listen and listen good." the watchman said firmly "People get hurt sometimes. It happens. I got hurt today tryin' to help someone I care 'bout an' y'know what? It was worth ev'ry cut on me. What happened t'Houjun wasn't your fault; it was Johnston's." Alex sighed and gave Hana a sympathetic look. "You can't always save 'em sweetheart… Sometimes you get up against somethin' bigger n' you an' it just happens this way. In th' end though what matters is we got 'im out an' that when he wakes up you'll be with 'im t'help 'im through whatever he's gonna go through. Do y'understand what I'm tellin' ya?"

Hana nodded. "I guess I do, but I still feel like it's my fault."

"Because you were right there… I know." Max said softly, going to kneel next to the other two as Hana started to set Alex's arm. "Like all the times I saw Johnston hurtin' others and all I could do was watch… You just feel responsible somehow."

Hana started to agree, when a thought struck her. "Why though?" she asked no one in particular. "Why Houjun? And why is does he do it?"

"Why does who do what now?" Alex asked in confusion.

"Why does Johnston target Houjun? I mean, he's no different than the rest of them…He's got fears and problems just like the rest do. So why him and no one else?"

Max shook his head, his brow creased in thought. "I dunno…"

Hana tied the last knot on Alex's splint and closed the first aid kit with a determined snap. "I'm going to find out." she said firmly, her emerald eyes full of a strange kind of light. "I'm going to find out why and put a stop to this, tonight."

"You'll only get hurt again!" Max protested "He'll never tell _you_; he hates you too!"

"Maybe," Hana returned evenly, getting to her feet and heading for the door. "But I have to know."

"What about Houjun?" Alex asked in concern "It won't be good if he wakes up and you're gone…"

"The drug won't wear off for three hours yet." Hana replied. A worried frown crossed her features and she hesitated, her hand on the doorknob. "But still…"

"We'll take care of him for ya." Alex reassured "He's in good hands."

Hana nodded and gave the watchman a tired smile. "If anything happens, even the slightest change…" she started.

"We'll come getcha'." Max assured her. "Now hurry or he'll leave!"

Hana shot him a grateful look and ran out of the room. She had barely left Max's office when she heard Johnston's voice coming from a room not far off. The nurse followed the sound of the doctor's voice and came to his office door. She twisted the brass knob and stepped into the office, eyes steely and determined but stopped short as she caught sight of Johnston.

He looked pathetic; sitting behind his desk and staring straight ahead, his white lab coat stained with blood on one side and more of the crimson liquid running down one of his cheeks. His glasses were on the desk beside him, a worn and yellowed bit of paper in his hands. His grey eyes were distant and full of unshed tears, almost as if he were lost in his memories. He set the paper down and Hana could see it was a picture.

A young girl with sad blue eyes looked up from the old print and the man before her bit back a quiet sob.

Johnston picked up the picture again, his chin trembling slightly as he whispered unheard words to the girl in the photograph. He looked up suddenly and Hana froze, her resolve deserting her in the face of her shock at finding the older man in this sorry state.

"Hana." he said, his voice empty and emotionless. "I thought so…"

"I-I have to settle something with you!" the nurse managed around the rapid pounding of her heart in her throat.

"And I know what you want to ask." Johnston said in that same dead voice. "So in turn I ask you this: Have you ever seen someone die?" He didn't wait for a reply and went on. "Have you ever held someone you loved and watched as the life left their body? Unable to help…unable to save them…helpless as a newborn child…" The man got to his feet, taking his glasses from the desk and slowly slipping them into his pocket. "I have…in fact I've seen it many times…I've had to watch so many die. But I've only seen a life fade out completely once…"

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Hana asked uncertainly, fear starting to form inside of her at the doctor's uncharacteristic behavior.

He smiled at her, a humorless smile that never quite reached his eyes. "Did you know that you can kill someone while they're alive?" he asked quietly, going around the desk and stopping just short of Hana. He laughed as Hana's eyes widened in horror. "I thought you might… So then you'll also know that it is possible to bring them back." The doctor's face fell and he looked down at the picture in his hands once more. "When your body dies as well…That's a different matter." he whispered "When she left me, I knew I couldn't save her, knew I was too late…" He held out his hand and Hana took an involuntary step backwards. "Don't be afraid, it's only a photograph." Johnston reassured, moving closer to Hana, his hand still outstretched. "This is why."

"Wh-what?" the nurse asked in bewilderment.

"Sarah is the reason I hurt him." Johnston explained, a tear making its way down his cheek and tracing a path through the blood on his skin. "I hurt him because he hurts me…"

"That doesn't make any sense!" Hana cried, her voice starting to waver as she grew more and more unnerved by the doctor's eerily calm actions and tone. "Why would you hurt Houjun because of her? If she died, he probably never even knew her!"

"You didn't listen." Johnston chided "I said I hurt him because he hurts _me_. Sarah wouldn't want me to hurt another like her for no reason…"

"You mean put him through hell because he reminds you of her?!" Hana shouted in disbelief. "That's insane!"

"It is not!" the older man yelled back, his icy calm shattering into bitter fury. "He's got no right! Him with those eyes that shone like hers did! Him with his gentle smiles and the touch that feels like butterfly wings on your skin! Him who reminds me of all I couldn't hold…" The doctor sank to his knees, breathing hard in a combination of sadness and bitter pain. His breaths became ragged sobs and he pulled the picture he held close to his chest. "He's got no right!" he sobbed "_You've_ got no right! Why should _you_ be happy when all I've got is this constant, burning pain in my heart?! Why should I let _him_ be saved when she had to die?!"

The doctor fell forwards, burying his face in his hands and suddenly he felt compassionate arms surround him and a gentle hand soothingly stroked his hair as he cried. Johnston lifted his tear streaked face, looking up into Hana's caring emerald eyes.

"It's okay." she whispered, carefully wiping the blood from the older man's cheek. "You can cry, I won't laugh."

Johnston shoved Hana away from him, turning his back on the nurse and drawing his knees to his chest. "Just get out of here!" he asked weakly "Just leave me to my pathetic tears."

Hana reached out a hand but the doctor only curled in on himself, looking remarkably like Houjun did when he was in pain. "Get out!" he repeated, nearly choking on the words as his sobs quickened. "Leave me be!"

Hana got to her feet, a feeling of great sadness filling her at seeing the man she held so much hatred for broken and vulnerable. She couldn't explain why, but as much as she detested the doctor for what he was doing to Houjun, the nurse couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He was in so much pain…She shook her head to clear it and soundlessly left the office. She slowly made her way back to where Alex and Max were keeping an eye on Houjun and brushed a sudden tear from her eye.

"He's not so different from the rest of us…" she whispered to herself. "He just refuses to let himself heal."

The young woman pushed the door of the room open and quietly made her way to Houjun's side. She could feel the two guards giving her questioning stares, but she kept her head down. After all it's a terrible thing to see a grown man cry… even if he is your worst enemy.

A/N: So after a long, long silence here we are at last. Chapter thirteen, hopefully not as bad as I think it is (though I doubt it's even decent as I haven't time to edit it -.-'). Quick edit to the comments at the end of last chapter, Roku's right. Antipsychotics are lifesavers to those who really need the drug, and I really should have said that last time. If you don't they aren't too great for you, but all around they really do work miracles for people. So yes, that's that then.

See you all next chappy (which should be out sooner than three months this time…I hope ;),

Tenshi Kitsune


	14. From Nightmares To Dreams

A/N: Wow, I seem to take longer and longer to put out each new chappy… Stupid real life is starting to get in the way of my real job. Not to worry though, this will be finished one way or the other- promise! So yes, as usual Houjun isn't my own character and Hana is. Tears as usual so the more sensitive readers beware. Here we go then….

Max and Alex exchanged worried looks. Hana had been sitting silently across from them for three and a half hours now, staring at her hands.

"H-hana?" Alex ventured "You alright sweetheart?"

The young nurse looked up at him, forcing a tiny smile. "I'm fine, don't worry about me." she reassured him. "I'm just worried about Houjun is all."

The guard nodded. "If you're sure…"

Silence fell over the small room once more and Hana's hands tightened in her lap, a heavy sigh pushing past her defenses and giving her melancholy state away.

"Y'know, if somethin' _is_ wrong you c'n talk to us." Max tried again "We won't tell a soul."

Hana shook her head. "It's okay, really- I'm fine!" she insisted. The flame haired guard gave her a suspicious look and she sighed again. "Alright, I give up. If you're really that concerned about me, I'll tell you what's wrong. It's Johnston…when I went to his office he-"the nurse cut herself off as confused tears started in her eyes.

She took a deep breath and was about to go on, when a sudden flash of movement caught her attention. She looked up and saw that Houjun was finally awake.

He was sitting straight up, his deep mahogany eyes wide with fear as the combined shock of being in a strange place and facing two men, who at the moment, he didn't recognize slowly settled in around him. Hana immediately flew to his side, frantically motioning for Alex and Max to leave the room as she tried to reassure Houjun before he panicked. The two guards hurriedly left the small room and shut the door behind them.

"It's alright, they won't hurt you." Hana said soothingly, running one hand up and down the young man's back. "It's going to be okay, I promise you…"

Houjun turned his head slowly and looked into Hana's emerald eyes. His face showed real fear and he pulled away from the young woman's touch.

The nurse's eyes widened in shock at the young man's reaction. "H-Houjun," she started shakily "I-it's me, Hana… Don't you remember?"

The frightened youth shook his head fervently and backed away from the nurse. He pushed himself back against the wall behind him and pulled his knees to his chest. He started to tremble and Hana could make out tears on Houjun's face through the small space between his knees and his arms.

She backed away a little and tried again to reach the fearful young man. "Houjun, it's alright." she said slowly, trying to fight back her own rising apprehension. "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise everything is okay. Please, try and remember who I am… I know you're afraid, but you have to try!"

The young man cautiously lifted his head so that his eyes were no longer hidden and stared at the young nurse. For a minute it looked as if he would fall into hysterics as his trembling worsened and his breaths became short, fast sobs then he reached out a shaking hand and put it on the nurse's cheek.

Hana covered his hand with her own and nodded slowly, her green eyes never leaving the other's mahogany orbs. "That's right, it's me… You don't have to be afraid anymore- I won't let him hurt you."

Houjun nodded once to show he understood and moved a few inches closer to the young nurse. Hana carefully reached out with her other hand and Houjun flinched, drawing back a little. The nurse quickly withdrew her hand and sighed miserably.

"What did that man do to you, my Houjun?" she said softly. "You're even afraid of me…"

The young man before her bowed his head, tears splashing from his cheeks and falling onto his blood-stained shirt. His hand tightened around Hana's and he pulled the young woman's hand towards his chest. The nurse crawled forwards until she was only a few inches away from Houjun, then reached out again. The young man shivered and his trembling worsened as his grip on Hana became almost painful.

"I won't hurt you." she tried again "I promise, I'm trying to help alright?"

Houjun looked up at her and nodded, his face screwed up in a mix of fear and pain. He raised his free hand and, little by little, brought it closer to Hana. The nurse brought her own hand forwards, her eyes still looking deep into Houjun's, and their hands met.

For a second, time froze; Houjun's eyes widened and his breathing quickened as fear once again threatened to overtake him. Hana made to pull back, but the other pushed his fingers between the young woman's and held on.

"Don't…" he choked around sobs, his voice barely audible even in the crushing silence of the small room.

Hana nodded once and moved closer to Houjun so that the two were barely four inches apart. "If I try to move my hands, will you be afraid?" she asked, her emerald eyes shining with emotion though no tears had gathered in them.

The youth next to her nodded, closing his eyes briefly to block a sudden flash of pain in his heart.

Hana thought for a second, then swallowed hard. "Okay, I'm going to let go of you for a second and put my arms under yours. You don't have to be afraid, I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to hold you, alright?"

Houjun's eyes flashed with fear, but the youth nodded in agreement and Hana gently lowered his hands into his lap. The young man tensed and his tears fell faster than ever, but he remained motionless, letting Hana slide her arms around him and draw him to her. She gently ran her hand up and down the young man's back, her other hand sliding up to find it's usual place behind Houjun's head. "It's okay…" Hana whispered, closing her eyes for a minute, trying to fight back the tears beginning to sting at her eyes. "You're safe now my angel, you don't have to hide anymore… Shh…"

The young nurse was being especially careful to avoid the gashes on Houjun's arms but the youth she held seemed to have forgotten they were there. He wrapped his arms around Hana and pulled her roughly into his lap, grabbing her shirtsleeves with both hands and sobbing into her shoulder.

"He did it again…" he wept "H-he did it a-again!"

"I know…" Hana whispered, the tears in her eyes finally breaking through her defenses and slipping down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry I couldn't stop him. I tried and I wasn't able to keep him away from you…"

Houjun shook his head against her shoulder. "Y-you tried… I-I saw you. H-he… he just…just…" His words trailed off and he shook his head again, pulling Hana closer to him and crushed his face into her shirt, sobbing worse than ever. Hana gently slid her hand from behind his head and wrapped both arms around him, telling him over and over that it would be okay and that she would find a way to fix it.

The two sat together in silence, the only sounds being Houjun's soft sobs and Hana's caring voice whispering words of comfort to the youth she held. Houjun calmed after awhile and his broken sobbing lessened to silent tears, still holding Hana as tightly as he could without hurting the tiny woman.

"I failed you…" the nurse said quietly, breaking the silence and pulling twin fistfuls of the other's shirt into her hands. "I was supposed to keep you safe but you ended up hurt because I can't be big enough to take care of you… I promise you though, this will never happen again. I won't ever let that man near you. I don't know what good someone like me can be against someone like him, but I'll find a way to stop him!"

"Y-you can't!" Houjun cried, pushing the nurse back and looking her straight in the face. "N-nobody can! He… he won't let you stop him!"

Hana shook her head. "I couldn't protect you this time," she repeated, passing a hand over her eyes as determination flared inside her. "But I swear to you, right here and now, that he won't lay a hand on you ever again. I'll find a way, I promise."

"He won't let you." the other insisted, his voice full of dejected certainty. "He'll find a way to make it look like _you're_ the one hurting me…"

"Not if I can help it." the nurse reassured. Her eyes softened and she looked straight into Houjun's mahogany coloured eyes. "Just leave Johnston to me, alright? I promise everything's going to work out in the end."

The young man nodded and squeezed Hana's shoulder. "As long as you don't leave me alone…"

The other smiled at him and gave him a light kiss on the forehead. "Not for anything or anyone."

Houjun nodded again and closed his eyes for a second, feeling the last of his fear being pushed aside by the overwhelming feeling of safety Hana always sparked inside of him. He gently brought Hana to him again, wrapping his arms around her and putting a hand behind her head in loving gratitude.

"Y-you saved my life you know." he said hesitantly "I never could have made it through if I hadn't known you were waiting for me…protecting me."

Hana smiled softly up at her young charge, sleep growing heavy on her as the days events finally caught up with her. "I told you, as long as you need me…"

"You'll be here with me." Houjun finished for her. He felt Hana's slight form starting to get heavier in his arms and gently lifted her up. "And I promise, I'll take care of you too."

The young man carefully set the nurse down on the bed and covered her with a blanket.

The nurse passed a hand over her eyes, trying to get up again only to have Houjun push her back down. "I'm fine…" she protested weakly "You don't have to take care of me."

"But I do." Houjun told her, settling himself on the floor next to the bed. "You don't do it, so _someone_'s got to." He brushed a stray lock of soft brown hair from her cheek. "I'll be okay. Besides, if something happened to you because of me I could never forgive myself…"

Hana smiled a little, her emerald eyes shining with amusement. "Alright you win this time- but just this once."

"Just this once." Houjun agreed quietly.

Hana watched the young man beside her pull his knees to his chest and put his head down on them, letting her eyes slide shut as sleep finally took her into its gentle arms.

A/N: So here we are with mirror 14. Sorry it took so long all, it's the usual blend of life, school and my own ongoing book that's kept me so long. Not my best work,I know, but I wanted this up and it is now four minutes to one am and Ihave an eight thirty class tomorrow morning. Shall edit later.Anyhow, hope you all liked it and as usual I want to know what you thought.

Cheers then,

Tenshi Kitsune


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